How to Behave at the Gym

"My prostate hurts, bro."

If you're anything like most Americans, your fingers are covered in Cheetos dust, you have a mouthful of Mountain Dew, and you can't see your toes much less touch them.

However, sometimes people decide to stop being fat and go to the gym. The problem is that they're intimidated (or "gymtimidated" if you're obnoxious).

I'm here today to teach you how to behave at the gym in such a way as to make your presence there pleasant for yourself and the other patrons.

You can find thousands of these articles on the Internet but this one will be simpler, more concise, and just plain better. Don't even bother reading the other ones.

How to compliment your fellow gym-goers:

There will be some fine physical specimens around you, and you might feel the need to compliment them on their fitness. Here's how:

If they're male:
Don't just say "Wow, you've got some big muscles."
If you're female and you say that, you have just given him permission to have sex with you.
If you're male and you say that...
Well...
You have just given him permission to have sex with you.
Instead, praise his musculature more subtly by saying something like: "I say, my good man! You look as though you could hoist some very sizable objects indeed!"
You are now gym buddies, or "bros." From this point on, you will refer to your new buddy as "bro." This not only helps affirm your newfound friendship but saves you the trouble of having to actually learn his name.

If they're female:
Don't do it. Women do not want to be complimented.
Complimenting women on their looks is what we in America call "sexual harassment." It is widely frowned upon and will land you in very uncomfortable situations like a courthouse or prison.
Instead, say to them: "Good day, madam! Have you seen Magic Mike XXL? Jolly good picture, that one!"
They will then invite you to accompany them to a department store as they purchase shoes and underpants for six hours.
You will spend the next year pretending to be their "gay friend" until you finally reveal that it was all a ruse to get closer to them so that they would date you.
Having revealed your true feelings, they'll finally get what every woman wants--a restraining order against you.
On second thought, maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Just call her "bro" as well. She won't mind.

How to request usage of gym equipment:

If someone is using equipment that you need for your workout, it's best to approach them as politely as possible. Say to them: "Hey bro, how many more sets you got on there, bro?"
Even if they have just started using it, they are obligated to tell you that they have but one more set to complete, after which you may use the equipment.
It's appropriate to thank them by saying: "Cool, bro. Thanks, bro."

How to give someone a "spot":

You may at some point be requested to "spot" someone, especially if they are doing bench presses.
To "spot" them, hold onto the bar as they lower it. As they begin to lift, pull upward and--as discretely as possible--lift the goddamned weight for them because they've clearly got more on there than they have any business trying to lift.
Afterward, congratulate them on their excellent lifting and proclaim loudly that you did not help them at all. Nearby gym-goers will marvel at your new friend's superhuman strength.
If pressed, admit that you did help him a little on the last rep, but only a little.

How to make conversation:

At the gym, it is best to keep conversations minimal and avoid disagreements by saying things that are likely to elicit agreement from other patrons.

For males:
Say something like: "Egad, bro! I do believe that I shall consume many protein shakes following my workout so as to maximize the expansion of my musculature!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "A smashing idea!"

For females:
Say: "Egad, girl-bro! I like, literally believe that feasting upon chocolate cakes would be preferable to the activity in which we are currently engaged!"
"Indeed," she will respond. "Like totes! Literally!" 

What to wear:

It is important to choose your gym attire carefully.

For males:
Your trousers should be large and long enough to cover your socks even when you sit down. One's socks are unclean and should be hidden from sight at all times when in polite society.
Your shirt should be so massive and sleeveless that it hangs limply from your chest, exposing your impressive upper body to the other gym patrons.
Alternatively, you may elect to wear a shirt so small that it appears that the slightest movement might cause your massive biceps to tear through it like the Incredible Hulk.

For females:
Many women's clothing manufacturers make clothes specifically intended to be worn to the gym. 
Be sure to wear the most expensive custom-tailored gym clothes available to you, preferably adorned with motivational statements such as "I don't sweat, I sparkle" and "I am at the gym right now."
You may then remark to your girl-bros: "OMG, aren't they like, literally SO CUTE?!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "I find that I am literally unable to even."

How to get dates:

Occasionally you may find someone who you feel would make an ideal romantic partner. Here's what to do:

For females:
Say anything at all to him.
He will immediately assume that you wish to have intercourse with him, and will promptly voice his acceptance or (rarely) his rejection of your proposition.

For males:
As previously mentioned, anything construed as flirting will result in immediate rebuke or a sexual harassment case.
Women prefer to find their sexual partners at their place of employment. Find out where she works, and get hired there.
You now are "work-bros," which grants you the privilege of speaking to her at the gym without her lawyer intervening. From there, you may attempt to gain entrance to her lady parts.


Thank you for reading. I hope this guide is helpful to you in your quest for physical fitness.
Happy gymming!

Cholesterol Decriminalized (or "Jake &!@#ing told you so")

"You shouldn't eat so many eggs. They have...
[dramatic music plays]
CHOLESTEROL!!!!!"















I've heard this so many times I'm on the brink of an aneurysm.

Many years ago (probably around the time Ronald Reagan declared ice cream a "nutritious and wholesome food"), based upon God-knows-what, the nutrition gods proclaimed that cholesterol was bad. Eating cholesterol-rich foods would lead to high levels of cholesterol in one's body, and we needed to eat lots of "heart-healthy grains" to flush it all out.
That's right folks, ram entire loaves of bread (NOT meat, for the love of God) into your ingestion chambers and you'll be healthy as a horse.
Personally, I'd rather eat the horse.

Funny story though--it seems that this was all bullshit. Funnier still, I've been telling people this for some time now.

Me being right about stuff... Who would have thought?

But why should we believe you?

Because I'm always right! But if that's not good enough for you then maybe because the American Heart Association says so.
The AHA has announced that "cholesterol is not considered a nutrient of concern for overconsumption."
In simpler terms: don't worry about how much cholesterol you're eating.

So what does this mean for us?

For starters it means I'll eat as many eggs as I damn well please (not that I wouldn't have anyway).
Secondly, maybe you should change your eating habits. The document also advises against overconsumption of sugars and refined grains, which are pretty much the backbone of the modern American diet.

It also means that maybe we should question the "common sense" beliefs we hold about nutrition and diet. Until recently, the "fact" that cholesterol intake should be minimized at peril of cardiac explosion was one of those "everybody knows it" bits of information. If something so widely believed to be true turns out to be a load of moose droppings, what else could we be wrong about?

But wait--if the AHA was wrong for decades about cholesterol, how do I know they're right now?

You don't.
That's kind of the point, really. Didn't you read my last paragraph?
We tend to believe everything that's said to us or dumped onto our Facebook feeds without fact-checking it.

The science behind our dietary wives' tales is often pretty shoddy and occasionally non-existent altogether. I'd advise those who are interested in this sort of thing to read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes, which delves much deeper into this subject.

OK, but why did you feel the need to write a whole post on this?

Firstly, because despite the AHA changing their tune a while ago, people still try to argue that cholesterol is the devil without any reason whatsoever other than "Everyone knows that. It's common sense."
Secondly, because I think our species needs to back off the grain consumption and perhaps if people know that one of the "bad things" found in meat and eggs is actually benign, maybe they'll reconsider their habits.
Thirdly, and most importantly:

BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT.

AGAIN.

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.