"Alligators Can Climb Trees"
You agonize over your clothing
And trips to the grocery store
You've got tendonitis
And maybe arthritis
And fear that there isn't a cure
You fret over taxes, faxes, and emails
You worry your dog may have fleas
You fear that your houses
Will soon be your spouse's
Once you are declared divorcees
But I do not worry about any of these
Because alligators can climb trees
You spend hours daily on makeup
And fixing your eyebrows and hair
You're often made restless
By your many investments
And the state of your Microsoft shares
You fear that some day you'll all be put away
In retired folks' nursing facilities
Your children won't write you
Or even invite you
To your grandchildren's birthday parties
But I do not worry about any of these
Because alligators can climb trees
Alligators can climb trees!
Alligators can climb trees!
Just when you thought it was safe to go out
Alligators can climb trees!
We've got spiders and tigers and black bears
Wasps and echidnas and bees
Vipers and adders
But none of that matters
The gators are up in the trees!
You thought you were safe because you were watching
The area down by your feet
They'll drop from above you
They'll certainly love you
Because you're delicious to eat
They've mouths full of teeth
And clawed feet beneath
They can swim through the water with flair
But now that they've taken
Arboreal stations
I can't help but think that's not fair
I steer clear of swamps, of marshes and lakes
I avoid all the rivers and seas
Just to be sure
I don't go near the sewer
But holy shit, now they climb trees?
I thought I could venture outdoors
With my body remaining intact
Don't go for a hike!
Don't go ride your bike!
They'll leap from the trees and attack!
There's nowhere that's safe from this terror
There's nothing left for you to do
No shelter for miles
Because crocodiles
Are climbing up into trees too
ALLIGATORS CAN CLIMB TREES!
ALLIGATORS CAN CLIMB TREES!
Just when you thought you were safe on dry land
Alligators can climb trees!
