A Summary of Game of Thrones (by someone who's never seen it)

"My name is ridiculous and it makes me sad."

Well, I'm a little late to the party, but I've decided to start watching Game of Thrones.
Everyone's always talking about it and if it's half as good as it's made out to be it must be great, right?

The problem is, I'm not sure I even need to bother watching it.

From all the constant yammering about it, I think I've already got a pretty good handle on what happens.

Here's my summary of the show--before I've seen a single episode--based solely upon hearing people talk about it or hearing it referenced on comedy sites. After I've watched it I'll follow up on this to see if I was right.

There's a chick who has dragons.

That's her at the top of the page. I'm not going to bother with her name because clearly George R. R. Martin's cat walked across his keyboard and he said, "Yeah, that's what I'll call her." (Side note: saying "George R. R. Martin" makes you sound like a pirate with a speech impediment.)
The dragons are her babies, though whether that's literal or she's just one of those spoiled rich chicks who carries her pets around in a purse remains to be seen.
I think she's the queen or empress or at least the mayor.

Everyone hates the prince.

"I'm an asshole."

Not just the characters. People who watch the show seem to wish this Harry Potter-looking sonofabitch would just stop existing. He's the Elmo of Game of Thrones; no one likes him but they keep throwing him onto the screen.
It's OK though because he dies eventually. This makes everyone very happy.
Either his name is Joffrey or it's Jeffrey and everyone I know talks like a moron.

SEX.

Either it's everyone's favorite part of the show or it's just going on nonstop.
Based on how often I hear about who was naked in the last episode, everyone is constantly getting it on. I'm told that there's violence too but I don't know how they find time for it amid everyone's constant screwing. I'm not going to have to watch that Danarius Turntable chick get knocked up by a dragon, am I?

The Red Wedding

This is a big deal. I heard about this one for days. There's a wedding and a bunch of people get killed, like that kid up there that no one likes. The whole thing's a big mess. Pretty horrible stuff.
Presumably it's called the Red Wedding because of killing and blood, but I'm not ruling out Communism just yet.

Everyone dies.

Don't become attached to any of the characters, because they all die. Some of them more than once. John Snow dies (not that I know who the hell he is) or maybe he's supposed to die next season.

There's a midget.

I think he's the one on the right maybe?

I don't know about you, but midgets kind of creep me out. Not looking forward to this part. He's important too because by season whatever-the-hell-number they're on now, he's still alive. Might have to fast forward through his scenes.










Well, here we go... This better be good.



Images stolen from youtube.com, beforeitsnews.com, and buddytv.com.