Just a brief update

Not a lot to see here, sorry. Just a formal announcement that I'm having a go at the Twitter thing again. I often find myself with short and sweet witticisms that can't be expanded into full blog posts, so that'll be an outlet for those.
Post your Twitter handles and I'll follow you as well (then un-follow you a week later when I realize that all you tweet about is politics and breakfast burritos).
Follow me on the Twitter: @JakeIsAllRight

To make up for this being a really short post, here's a picture of Vince Wilfork being fat.

 

I Watched Game of Thrones.

"Jesus, Khaleesi, how far away did you park?"

As you may have read in my previous post, I've submitted to peer pressure and decided to watch Game of Thrones.
For those who missed it and can't be arsed to read the aforementioned post (though you really should do so now), the premise was that I'd heard so many people talking about GoT that I already knew everything that was going to happen. Thus, I made predictions so when I came back after watching it I could say I was right (as usual). Having watched the first four seasons, here are my main takeaways from it (possible spoilers ahead, as well as in those last two links. Oops.):

I was right about pretty much everything.

Big surprise there, right? 
Apart from some very minor details (I thought Joffrey died at the Red Wedding, for example) I was unfortunately very well-informed.
A few other details that I hadn't bothered/had forgotten to include in my first post were that HafÞór Björnsson kills some dude and there's a fella named Hodor who's apparently a Pokemon because all he says is his own name, which is ridiculous.
I was right about those things too.
I was right about all of the things. That's is why this post is so short.

It absolutely lives up to the hype.

During the first season, I pretty much wanted to never do anything other than watch this show ever again for the rest of my life.
Season two lulled a bit as did the first half of three, but through the end of the fourth it was back to being great again.
If you're easily offended or disgusted you won't want to watch it; there's some seriously messed up shit that probably would have gotten changed by any network other than HBO. Otherwise, I highly recommend it. Even knowing ahead of time what would happen I still thoroughly enjoyed it.

Natalie Dormer's evil smirk makes her look like she's about to steal Christmas.

Why is no one advocating population control?

You don't have to look far on the Internet to find people complaining about stuff. In fact, behind sex and cats, complaints comprise a larger portion of the Internet than any other topic ^{[citation needed]}.

Some of the aforementioned complainers are kind enough to offer solutions to the various problems, but I can't help but think one solution would knock out the vast majority of them all at once: population control.

I'll readily admit, for example, that Americans' meat-heavy diets aren't sustainable due to how much land and feed is required for the vast quantities of delicious cows we consume, but if we weren't feeding so many people we wouldn't need so many cows.

Class sizes too big in our schools? Maybe that's because there are too many children.

Unemployment? More people than jobs? We need fewer people.

Noxious clouds of pollutants? Global warming? Melting polar ice caps? All of these problems would be lessened--if not solved altogether--by a reduction in the number of humans we're asking our planet to support.

I'm not saying that a world with, say, two billion people instead of seven plus would be all roses and bunny rabbits. Plenty of our myriad maladies would need specific cures applied.
What I'm saying is that almost every single problem that humans face is either directly caused by or exacerbated by our massive population, and the voices calling for a population reduction are few, far between, and softly spoken. 

Why is this?
It's not like we don't know what's causing all of these births (for those who don't, I would refer you to the aforementioned most popular topic of the Internet).
Do we assume, perhaps, that it's just an unrealistic expectation? I'm convinced that this (fallacious) assumption is indeed to blame.

The instinct to reproduce is a strong one; I'd imagine that survival is the only one that outranks it. But our instincts can be fooled. Go have a ton of sex and your reproduction instinct will be satisfied; use birth control and you (probably) won't be making any little humans.

We all know this. And while there are more than a few unplanned pregnancies happening, most people learn their lesson after one or two "surprises" and surgically remove themselves from the breeding pool.

I'm willing to forgive the unintentional reproducers. These things happen, and as I mentioned most people who aren't total morons will figure out after one or two that they'd better clamp some tubes before they've got a whole baseball team worth of kids running around their home.

It's the people doing this on purpose that perplex me and in large part are causing the problem. Worse yet, I can't think of a good reason why.

I've discussed this sort of thing with plenty of people over the years, especially if they mention to me their desire to have children. Upon asking them why they want to have children, I'm met more often than not with blank stares and an inability to answer. They don't know why they want to have children. Those who do answer often say something along the line of "To carry on my family name," which is fucking retarded (to put it politely). You're not the king of France. Your family name probably exists elsewhere on the planet and if it doesn't, does it matter?

The next most common response is something along the lines of "To have someone to love," which is all well and good but do you really need five someones to love? Even three seems a bit much. Seriously, how much love do you have in there? Get a dog or something. 

Some will say that having kids "Would be fun" or "I want to have a daughter to dress up in pretty clothes" or similar nonsense.
YOUR CHILD IS NOT A DOLL. YOUR CHILD IS NOT A TOY.
One of the most frightening things I see in potential parents is their complete failure to consider that what they're making is another human being, not a source of their own entertainment. You're condemning this child to 65 or so years on Earth. Think long and hard about that before bringing another life into this world solely for your amusement.

Most people today don't have enough time for themselves, much less a horde of children. A hundred years ago, with infant mortality rates higher and more people needing kids to help on the farm it was understandable for parents to pop out a few extras, but those reasons are obsolete.
What reason is left?
I'm well aware that very few people can be convinced to forgo having kids entirely, but is it really so much to ask that we only have one or an absolute maximum of two?

It's either that or we have to convince the elderly to die sooner.

I've explained why I believe in limiting one's reproduction, but I want to emphasize the question I asked in the beginning: Why don't we hear about this more often? I can't be the only one who understands this.

Are we so selfish that we feel it's necessary to create an army of playthings for ourselves, heedless of the fact that they'll grow up to be as miserable as we are?

Are we so foolish that we think recycling, veganism, and electric cars will be a more effective environmental strategy than simply reducing the number of people making the trash we need to recycle and using the various products for which we're hacking down the rainforests?

You can't be an environmentalist and have eight kids.

You can't complain about how horrible this world has become and then turn around and thrust four more people into it.

Want to save the Earth? Depopulate it.


"Overcrowded Earth" image plundered from liveforevernow.com, ironically enough.

Cat Myths Debunked

The Internet has been lying to you.
Not like that's unusual or anything, but the Internet has been lying about one of its most prolific denizens.
After porn, cats are the most popular subject on the Internet, so it's no surprise to see a list of "facts" circling about lately that portray cats as cuddly, perfect little critters that love their humans to death. That may be true to some degree, but let's face it: cats are devious little sociopaths.
In honor of National Cat Day or whatever, I'm here to educate you.
The truth follows:

I brought you some lunch, moron.

Myth:

"Cats leave you dead animals as a gift because they love you so much."


Truth:
Well, sort of. The reality is that they think you're a dumbass. They've never seen you catch a bird, a mouse, or even a bug. The only logical conclusion they can draw is that you suck at hunting. They're trying to teach you how it's done. "Look, human. This is a mouse. You catch it and eat it. Idiot."

Myth:

Cats stick their arses in your face as a sign of love or respect or some such nonsense.

This is what I think of you.

Truth:

You're kidding, right? Engaging in involuntary amateur proctology isn't my idea of a good time. When dear Uncle Ned comes to the door for a visit, do you immediately drop your trousers and bellow "Look at my butthole!"?
I certainly hope not.
Your cat is mooning you. It thinks it's hilarious.

Myth:

Cats don't meow at other cats; they only do it to humans.

Truth:

If they thought that meowing at other cats would get their food dish filled, you can be damned sure they'd do it. Just as all dog barks mean "HEY!" all meows mean "feed me."

All day, every day.

Myth:

When cats look at you and close their eyes slowly it means they looooove you.

Truth:

The cat thinks you're boring. It's going to sleep.
Cats sleep for 23.9 hours per day. If you see a cat, it is--statistically speaking--probably asleep.

Get the dog off my mom or I'm strangling him.

Myth:

"Kneading" is something nursing kittens do to increase milk flow from their mothers, so if a cat does it to you it means the cat loves you and thinks you're its mother.

Truth:

I have a hard time believing that the cat stomping on my balls at 3am is a sign of affection rather than punishment for having him neutered. As to the "thinks you're its mother" thing--if that's true then my cat's retarded because he does it to the pillows on the couch as well.


Go forth and spread your newfound knowledge.



Images remorselessly stolen from punjabigraphics.com, vetstreet.com, viral-next.com, and dev.ibabuzz.com.

A Multi-Verse Haiku for That Guy in the White Car Next to Me This Morning

You're in the left lane.
I need to be in that lane.
You're right next to me.

Blinker on, speed up.
Now you speed up as well. Why?
Perhaps I'll slow down.

Now you've slowed down too.
What the hell is your problem?
You are an asshole.

How to Behave at the Gym

"My prostate hurts, bro."

If you're anything like most Americans, your fingers are covered in Cheetos dust, you have a mouthful of Mountain Dew, and you can't see your toes much less touch them.

However, sometimes people decide to stop being fat and go to the gym. The problem is that they're intimidated (or "gymtimidated" if you're obnoxious).

I'm here today to teach you how to behave at the gym in such a way as to make your presence there pleasant for yourself and the other patrons.

You can find thousands of these articles on the Internet but this one will be simpler, more concise, and just plain better. Don't even bother reading the other ones.

How to compliment your fellow gym-goers:

There will be some fine physical specimens around you, and you might feel the need to compliment them on their fitness. Here's how:

If they're male:
Don't just say "Wow, you've got some big muscles."
If you're female and you say that, you have just given him permission to have sex with you.
If you're male and you say that...
Well...
You have just given him permission to have sex with you.
Instead, praise his musculature more subtly by saying something like: "I say, my good man! You look as though you could hoist some very sizable objects indeed!"
You are now gym buddies, or "bros." From this point on, you will refer to your new buddy as "bro." This not only helps affirm your newfound friendship but saves you the trouble of having to actually learn his name.

If they're female:
Don't do it. Women do not want to be complimented.
Complimenting women on their looks is what we in America call "sexual harassment." It is widely frowned upon and will land you in very uncomfortable situations like a courthouse or prison.
Instead, say to them: "Good day, madam! Have you seen Magic Mike XXL? Jolly good picture, that one!"
They will then invite you to accompany them to a department store as they purchase shoes and underpants for six hours.
You will spend the next year pretending to be their "gay friend" until you finally reveal that it was all a ruse to get closer to them so that they would date you.
Having revealed your true feelings, they'll finally get what every woman wants--a restraining order against you.
On second thought, maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Just call her "bro" as well. She won't mind.

How to request usage of gym equipment:

If someone is using equipment that you need for your workout, it's best to approach them as politely as possible. Say to them: "Hey bro, how many more sets you got on there, bro?"
Even if they have just started using it, they are obligated to tell you that they have but one more set to complete, after which you may use the equipment.
It's appropriate to thank them by saying: "Cool, bro. Thanks, bro."

How to give someone a "spot":

You may at some point be requested to "spot" someone, especially if they are doing bench presses.
To "spot" them, hold onto the bar as they lower it. As they begin to lift, pull upward and--as discretely as possible--lift the goddamned weight for them because they've clearly got more on there than they have any business trying to lift.
Afterward, congratulate them on their excellent lifting and proclaim loudly that you did not help them at all. Nearby gym-goers will marvel at your new friend's superhuman strength.
If pressed, admit that you did help him a little on the last rep, but only a little.

How to make conversation:

At the gym, it is best to keep conversations minimal and avoid disagreements by saying things that are likely to elicit agreement from other patrons.

For males:
Say something like: "Egad, bro! I do believe that I shall consume many protein shakes following my workout so as to maximize the expansion of my musculature!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "A smashing idea!"

For females:
Say: "Egad, girl-bro! I like, literally believe that feasting upon chocolate cakes would be preferable to the activity in which we are currently engaged!"
"Indeed," she will respond. "Like totes! Literally!" 

What to wear:

It is important to choose your gym attire carefully.

For males:
Your trousers should be large and long enough to cover your socks even when you sit down. One's socks are unclean and should be hidden from sight at all times when in polite society.
Your shirt should be so massive and sleeveless that it hangs limply from your chest, exposing your impressive upper body to the other gym patrons.
Alternatively, you may elect to wear a shirt so small that it appears that the slightest movement might cause your massive biceps to tear through it like the Incredible Hulk.

For females:
Many women's clothing manufacturers make clothes specifically intended to be worn to the gym. 
Be sure to wear the most expensive custom-tailored gym clothes available to you, preferably adorned with motivational statements such as "I don't sweat, I sparkle" and "I am at the gym right now."
You may then remark to your girl-bros: "OMG, aren't they like, literally SO CUTE?!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "I find that I am literally unable to even."

How to get dates:

Occasionally you may find someone who you feel would make an ideal romantic partner. Here's what to do:

For females:
Say anything at all to him.
He will immediately assume that you wish to have intercourse with him, and will promptly voice his acceptance or (rarely) his rejection of your proposition.

For males:
As previously mentioned, anything construed as flirting will result in immediate rebuke or a sexual harassment case.
Women prefer to find their sexual partners at their place of employment. Find out where she works, and get hired there.
You now are "work-bros," which grants you the privilege of speaking to her at the gym without her lawyer intervening. From there, you may attempt to gain entrance to her lady parts.


Thank you for reading. I hope this guide is helpful to you in your quest for physical fitness.
Happy gymming!

Cholesterol Decriminalized (or "Jake &!@#ing told you so")

"You shouldn't eat so many eggs. They have...
[dramatic music plays]
CHOLESTEROL!!!!!"















I've heard this so many times I'm on the brink of an aneurysm.

Many years ago (probably around the time Ronald Reagan declared ice cream a "nutritious and wholesome food"), based upon God-knows-what, the nutrition gods proclaimed that cholesterol was bad. Eating cholesterol-rich foods would lead to high levels of cholesterol in one's body, and we needed to eat lots of "heart-healthy grains" to flush it all out.
That's right folks, ram entire loaves of bread (NOT meat, for the love of God) into your ingestion chambers and you'll be healthy as a horse.
Personally, I'd rather eat the horse.

Funny story though--it seems that this was all bullshit. Funnier still, I've been telling people this for some time now.

Me being right about stuff... Who would have thought?

But why should we believe you?

Because I'm always right! But if that's not good enough for you then maybe because the American Heart Association says so.
The AHA has announced that "cholesterol is not considered a nutrient of concern for overconsumption."
In simpler terms: don't worry about how much cholesterol you're eating.

So what does this mean for us?

For starters it means I'll eat as many eggs as I damn well please (not that I wouldn't have anyway).
Secondly, maybe you should change your eating habits. The document also advises against overconsumption of sugars and refined grains, which are pretty much the backbone of the modern American diet.

It also means that maybe we should question the "common sense" beliefs we hold about nutrition and diet. Until recently, the "fact" that cholesterol intake should be minimized at peril of cardiac explosion was one of those "everybody knows it" bits of information. If something so widely believed to be true turns out to be a load of moose droppings, what else could we be wrong about?

But wait--if the AHA was wrong for decades about cholesterol, how do I know they're right now?

You don't.
That's kind of the point, really. Didn't you read my last paragraph?
We tend to believe everything that's said to us or dumped onto our Facebook feeds without fact-checking it.

The science behind our dietary wives' tales is often pretty shoddy and occasionally non-existent altogether. I'd advise those who are interested in this sort of thing to read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes, which delves much deeper into this subject.

OK, but why did you feel the need to write a whole post on this?

Firstly, because despite the AHA changing their tune a while ago, people still try to argue that cholesterol is the devil without any reason whatsoever other than "Everyone knows that. It's common sense."
Secondly, because I think our species needs to back off the grain consumption and perhaps if people know that one of the "bad things" found in meat and eggs is actually benign, maybe they'll reconsider their habits.
Thirdly, and most importantly:

BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT.

AGAIN.

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.