Things That Make Me Happy Vol II: Bears

Some animals just aren't naturally funny.  
Toads, lobsters, goats, prawns, eagles--they can be made funny (example) but they just aren't naturally funny.
Other animals are hilarious. Cows. Hippos. Those lizards that run on water. 
And, of course, bears.
Here for your enjoyment are some of my favorites, stolen from various places on the Internet.

Ok, so this one's kind of a cheat...

Looks fake, but isn't.

Bear is happy.

Damn, it feels good to be a bear.

Hello. I am a bear.

Cat Myths Debunked

The Internet has been lying to you.
Not like that's unusual or anything, but the Internet has been lying about one of its most prolific denizens.
After porn, cats are the most popular subject on the Internet, so it's no surprise to see a list of "facts" circling about lately that portray cats as cuddly, perfect little critters that love their humans to death. That may be true to some degree, but let's face it: cats are devious little sociopaths.
In honor of National Cat Day or whatever, I'm here to educate you.
The truth follows:

I brought you some lunch, moron.

Myth:

"Cats leave you dead animals as a gift because they love you so much."


Truth:
Well, sort of. The reality is that they think you're a dumbass. They've never seen you catch a bird, a mouse, or even a bug. The only logical conclusion they can draw is that you suck at hunting. They're trying to teach you how it's done. "Look, human. This is a mouse. You catch it and eat it. Idiot."

Myth:

Cats stick their arses in your face as a sign of love or respect or some such nonsense.

This is what I think of you.

Truth:

You're kidding, right? Engaging in involuntary amateur proctology isn't my idea of a good time. When dear Uncle Ned comes to the door for a visit, do you immediately drop your trousers and bellow "Look at my butthole!"?
I certainly hope not.
Your cat is mooning you. It thinks it's hilarious.

Myth:

Cats don't meow at other cats; they only do it to humans.

Truth:

If they thought that meowing at other cats would get their food dish filled, you can be damned sure they'd do it. Just as all dog barks mean "HEY!" all meows mean "feed me."

All day, every day.

Myth:

When cats look at you and close their eyes slowly it means they looooove you.

Truth:

The cat thinks you're boring. It's going to sleep.
Cats sleep for 23.9 hours per day. If you see a cat, it is--statistically speaking--probably asleep.

Get the dog off my mom or I'm strangling him.

Myth:

"Kneading" is something nursing kittens do to increase milk flow from their mothers, so if a cat does it to you it means the cat loves you and thinks you're its mother.

Truth:

I have a hard time believing that the cat stomping on my balls at 3am is a sign of affection rather than punishment for having him neutered. As to the "thinks you're its mother" thing--if that's true then my cat's retarded because he does it to the pillows on the couch as well.


Go forth and spread your newfound knowledge.



Images remorselessly stolen from punjabigraphics.com, vetstreet.com, viral-next.com, and dev.ibabuzz.com.

A Multi-Verse Haiku for That Guy in the White Car Next to Me This Morning

You're in the left lane.
I need to be in that lane.
You're right next to me.

Blinker on, speed up.
Now you speed up as well. Why?
Perhaps I'll slow down.

Now you've slowed down too.
What the hell is your problem?
You are an asshole.

How to Behave at the Gym

"My prostate hurts, bro."

If you're anything like most Americans, your fingers are covered in Cheetos dust, you have a mouthful of Mountain Dew, and you can't see your toes much less touch them.

However, sometimes people decide to stop being fat and go to the gym. The problem is that they're intimidated (or "gymtimidated" if you're obnoxious).

I'm here today to teach you how to behave at the gym in such a way as to make your presence there pleasant for yourself and the other patrons.

You can find thousands of these articles on the Internet but this one will be simpler, more concise, and just plain better. Don't even bother reading the other ones.

How to compliment your fellow gym-goers:

There will be some fine physical specimens around you, and you might feel the need to compliment them on their fitness. Here's how:

If they're male:
Don't just say "Wow, you've got some big muscles."
If you're female and you say that, you have just given him permission to have sex with you.
If you're male and you say that...
Well...
You have just given him permission to have sex with you.
Instead, praise his musculature more subtly by saying something like: "I say, my good man! You look as though you could hoist some very sizable objects indeed!"
You are now gym buddies, or "bros." From this point on, you will refer to your new buddy as "bro." This not only helps affirm your newfound friendship but saves you the trouble of having to actually learn his name.

If they're female:
Don't do it. Women do not want to be complimented.
Complimenting women on their looks is what we in America call "sexual harassment." It is widely frowned upon and will land you in very uncomfortable situations like a courthouse or prison.
Instead, say to them: "Good day, madam! Have you seen Magic Mike XXL? Jolly good picture, that one!"
They will then invite you to accompany them to a department store as they purchase shoes and underpants for six hours.
You will spend the next year pretending to be their "gay friend" until you finally reveal that it was all a ruse to get closer to them so that they would date you.
Having revealed your true feelings, they'll finally get what every woman wants--a restraining order against you.
On second thought, maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Just call her "bro" as well. She won't mind.

How to request usage of gym equipment:

If someone is using equipment that you need for your workout, it's best to approach them as politely as possible. Say to them: "Hey bro, how many more sets you got on there, bro?"
Even if they have just started using it, they are obligated to tell you that they have but one more set to complete, after which you may use the equipment.
It's appropriate to thank them by saying: "Cool, bro. Thanks, bro."

How to give someone a "spot":

You may at some point be requested to "spot" someone, especially if they are doing bench presses.
To "spot" them, hold onto the bar as they lower it. As they begin to lift, pull upward and--as discretely as possible--lift the goddamned weight for them because they've clearly got more on there than they have any business trying to lift.
Afterward, congratulate them on their excellent lifting and proclaim loudly that you did not help them at all. Nearby gym-goers will marvel at your new friend's superhuman strength.
If pressed, admit that you did help him a little on the last rep, but only a little.

How to make conversation:

At the gym, it is best to keep conversations minimal and avoid disagreements by saying things that are likely to elicit agreement from other patrons.

For males:
Say something like: "Egad, bro! I do believe that I shall consume many protein shakes following my workout so as to maximize the expansion of my musculature!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "A smashing idea!"

For females:
Say: "Egad, girl-bro! I like, literally believe that feasting upon chocolate cakes would be preferable to the activity in which we are currently engaged!"
"Indeed," she will respond. "Like totes! Literally!" 

What to wear:

It is important to choose your gym attire carefully.

For males:
Your trousers should be large and long enough to cover your socks even when you sit down. One's socks are unclean and should be hidden from sight at all times when in polite society.
Your shirt should be so massive and sleeveless that it hangs limply from your chest, exposing your impressive upper body to the other gym patrons.
Alternatively, you may elect to wear a shirt so small that it appears that the slightest movement might cause your massive biceps to tear through it like the Incredible Hulk.

For females:
Many women's clothing manufacturers make clothes specifically intended to be worn to the gym. 
Be sure to wear the most expensive custom-tailored gym clothes available to you, preferably adorned with motivational statements such as "I don't sweat, I sparkle" and "I am at the gym right now."
You may then remark to your girl-bros: "OMG, aren't they like, literally SO CUTE?!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "I find that I am literally unable to even."

How to get dates:

Occasionally you may find someone who you feel would make an ideal romantic partner. Here's what to do:

For females:
Say anything at all to him.
He will immediately assume that you wish to have intercourse with him, and will promptly voice his acceptance or (rarely) his rejection of your proposition.

For males:
As previously mentioned, anything construed as flirting will result in immediate rebuke or a sexual harassment case.
Women prefer to find their sexual partners at their place of employment. Find out where she works, and get hired there.
You now are "work-bros," which grants you the privilege of speaking to her at the gym without her lawyer intervening. From there, you may attempt to gain entrance to her lady parts.


Thank you for reading. I hope this guide is helpful to you in your quest for physical fitness.
Happy gymming!

Things That Make Me Happy Vol I: Vince Wilfork Is Fat

Sometimes, when we're having a bad day (which is just about every day for some of us) we need to take time out to look on the lighter side of life--or in some cases, the not-so-light side of life.

Few things in this world tickle my funny bone more than how freaking fat Vince Wilfork is.

 

Look at him. Jesus Christ, what a monster.

 

 Here are some little-known facts about Vince Wilfork:

1. Many people believe the African elephant is the world's largest land animal. This is not true. Vince Wilfork is the world's largest land animal.

2. Vince Wilfork once challenged Satan and God to an eating contest. Vince ate God and Satan forfeited.

3. Saturn has 12 rings and 62 moons. Vince Wilfork has 2 Super Bowl rings and 57 moons.

4. Vince Wilfork's gravity causes the tide to come in every time he goes to the beach.
5. Vince Wilfork can order dessert in 29 different languages.
6. Vince Wilfork's mass is so enormous he performs fusion at his core.
7. Vince Wilfork once ate Turkey for dinner. The country, not the food.
8. In high school, Vince Wilfork was voted "Most likely to collapse into a neutron star."
9. February used to have 31 days until Vince Wilfork ate three of them.
10. Vince Wilfork's blood type is "chocolate."
11. Vince Wilfork has said he enjoys yoga in his spare time. "Yoga" is how he pronounces "yogurt."
12. Vince Wilfork's doctor once told him he needed to lose a few pounds. The only time Vince has lost a few pounds was at a poker game in England.
13. Vince Wilfork has never been bitten by a mosquito; any that approach burn up in his atmosphere.
14. Vince Wilfork once did a set of jumping jacks. There were no survivors.
15. Vince Wilfork has a tattoo of his home state of Florida on his back. It is actual size.
16. Vince Wilfork is the fattest thing ever.

Look upon my fat, ye mighty, and despair.