The Mystery of the Fat Guy in Toe Shoes

I recently saw a fat guy wearing toe shoes. He had bad teeth.

If you're assuming this is just going to be a judgemental rant about how awful this poor fellow looked, you're not only wrong but I take umbrage at the fact that you'd think so little of me as to assume I'd spend my valuable [ok, not really] time slagging people off for no reason.

Anyway, this guy was wearing those Vibram shoes with individual toe compartments (see picture). He was fat and he had bad teeth. "Why is this a mystery?" you might ask, to which I would respond that the answer to that question is the entire point here and you really should have figured that out by now. I expect better from you.

The argument I've heard in favor of wearing these shoes is something along the lines of:
 "Cavemen never wore shoes. Humans only started wearing shoes in recent times and in an evolutionary sense we don't actually have a need for arch support or raised heels; we only have them because we're accustomed to them. The 'toe box' design of shoes defeats the purpose of having toes in the first place and while we--the wearers of these shoes--grant that some protection from sharp ground hazards is nice, it is inherently healthier to wear the minimum amount of footwear."

Basically it's the Paleo Diet except stupid and for your feet.

The mystery then reveals itself in the paradoxical fact that this person is wearing these shoes "because they're healthier" while ignoring their dental health and their unchecked horizontal expansion.

Since the mystery of this rests upon the fact that "because they're healthier" is the only possible reason to wear these abominations, let's run through the other possibilities.

Maybe they're really comfortable. 

Right, fair enough. I've never worn them. 
Fat people really like comfortable stuff, so if they are in fact supremely comfy it all makes sense and destroys the entire purpose of writing this. So to avoid futility (and because they sure as hell don't look comfortable), on we go assuming they're not.

But what if he was just wearing them because they're cheap?

They're not. A cursory glance on the interwebs shows them going for around $60. You can get Grandpa Shoes from Wal-Mart for like $10 and they're plenty comfy until they inevitably fall apart.

Maybe it's a fashion statement.

They're fucking hideous. Second only to Crocs in ugliness.

You are correct. This is a most baffling mystery and I thank you for bringing it to my attention.

You're welcome.

Things That Make Me Happy Vol I: Vince Wilfork Is Fat

Sometimes, when we're having a bad day (which is just about every day for some of us) we need to take time out to look on the lighter side of life--or in some cases, the not-so-light side of life.

Few things in this world tickle my funny bone more than how freaking fat Vince Wilfork is.

 

Look at him. Jesus Christ, what a monster.

 

 Here are some little-known facts about Vince Wilfork:

1. Many people believe the African elephant is the world's largest land animal. This is not true. Vince Wilfork is the world's largest land animal.

2. Vince Wilfork once challenged Satan and God to an eating contest. Vince ate God and Satan forfeited.

3. Saturn has 12 rings and 62 moons. Vince Wilfork has 2 Super Bowl rings and 57 moons.

4. Vince Wilfork's gravity causes the tide to come in every time he goes to the beach.
5. Vince Wilfork can order dessert in 29 different languages.
6. Vince Wilfork's mass is so enormous he performs fusion at his core.
7. Vince Wilfork once ate Turkey for dinner. The country, not the food.
8. In high school, Vince Wilfork was voted "Most likely to collapse into a neutron star."
9. February used to have 31 days until Vince Wilfork ate three of them.
10. Vince Wilfork's blood type is "chocolate."
11. Vince Wilfork has said he enjoys yoga in his spare time. "Yoga" is how he pronounces "yogurt."
12. Vince Wilfork's doctor once told him he needed to lose a few pounds. The only time Vince has lost a few pounds was at a poker game in England.
13. Vince Wilfork has never been bitten by a mosquito; any that approach burn up in his atmosphere.
14. Vince Wilfork once did a set of jumping jacks. There were no survivors.
15. Vince Wilfork has a tattoo of his home state of Florida on his back. It is actual size.
16. Vince Wilfork is the fattest thing ever.

Look upon my fat, ye mighty, and despair.

Why the 'Beach Body' Ad Protests are Stupid

Unless you live under a rock that doesn’t have Wi-Fi, you’ve probably heard the kerfuffle about Protein World’s “beach body” ads.

For everyone who’s protesting these ads, I’ve got a few reasons why I think your crusade is somewhere between misguided and moronic.

Criminality

I completely understand that sometimes property damage and bomb threats are the best way to get your point across (though no examples come to mind at present) but this is not one such instance.

People are actually posting pictures of their vandalism on Twitter, proud of themselves for what they’ve done. Wouldn’t it be funny if they got a letter from the city of London with a hefty fine enclosed?

This is reasonable marketing for the industry

This is the fitness industry we’re talking about here. Of course they’re going to use images of an ideal body to advertise their products.

Hypocrisy

If angry morons are going to vandalize these ads, they’d better be equally vandalizing every ad featuring a man with 6-pack abs. There better be spray paint on every picture of a 6’5” dude with big biceps. Skin care ads where every model—male or female—has perfect skin? That’s skin shaming! Kill their families! Don’t let me see any ads with attractive people driving cars I can’t afford either. Showing Escalades in ads is poverty-shaming because it’s unrealistic. There’s no way I can afford that.

Seriously though, this is the nature of advertising. Show us something great so we want it and will try to get it for ourselves. Pretty much every ad for every product shows an unrealistic ideal. This is the world we live in. Pissed off that you don’t look like the girl in the ad? Sorry. I’d like 6-pack abs and a Cadillac. Guess we can’t have everything.

Misguided rage

It seems that the women who got mad at this ad are angry because it says to them “You’re not attractive.”

Bad news, ladies: some of you aren’t attractive. Not everyone is. I myself don’t claim to be.
The difference is I exercise and eat well to look more like the way I want to instead of shoveling zebra cakes into my face-cavern and sitting around griping on the Internet because an ad reminded me of the effort I can’t be bothered to exert to change my body.

Another point worth mentioning is that this ad wasn’t an attack. For some reason, it’s being treated as one. It didn’t say, “Hey you stupid lard-asses! Why don’t you look like this?” It—like every ad—said, “Want the ideal [body/food/skin/car]? Buy our product and it'll help you get it!” Maybe not an honest sentiment, but advertising is rarely honest.

The company did get rather aggressive in response to being harassed, but I’m fine with that. It’s about time companies stopped crying and sniveling at the feet of Internet whiners.

Ineffectiveness

No one who was offended by the ad was going to buy from that company anyway. The outrage probably didn’t cost them a single customer, but guess what? Their profits have increased since this issue went viral due to the increased exposure. Most people had never heard of this company before this backlash, but now the entire Internet has seen their ads. Good job, angrypants. You just paid for your enemy’s new car.

It’s probably an Escalade.

Yoga Pants -- A Public Service Announcement

Ladies, we need to talk.

This is going to be hard for you but I assure you it's just as painful for me to have to be the bearer of bad news.

I've come to the realization that many of you are deeply confused about what should be a completely obvious fact, and I've taken it upon myself to clear up the misunderstanding.

Brace yourselves; maybe take a deep breath or two. This may come as a shock.

You look like absolute trash walking around in yoga pants all the time.

Especially if you're fat (which is more than likely, statistically speaking).

Especially if you're not on your way to or from yoga class (you probably aren't).

I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. It's a free country and all that. I'm just trying to help you come to grips with reality.

It absolutely baffles me how many of you are going out in public wearing yoga pants instead of proper trousers as if it was a completely normal and rational thing to do. If all the men of the world suddenly took to walking around in pajamas wherever they went, what would the general reaction be? Probably something along the line of "What a bunch of lazy asses" (which would be entirely accurate).

It doesn't look good. It looks lazy. It looks like you just fell out of [some desperate stranger's] bed and landed in a sweaty pile of apathy, which you then decided to haul up your oversized gams and strut around in at the grocery store.

Furthermore--and this is the bit that I think you're all missing--nobody else thinks it looks good. Not even the other yoga pant-clad belugas like you.

Horror.

"Well, I don't care what anyone thinks about me," you may say, and if that's the case then good for you. Honestly. If you're comfortable enough in your [overabundance of] skin that you're not worried about what others think of you, that truly is admirable. I'm not telling you to care what people think of you, I'm just here to make sure you understand what they think of you.

Your decision to knock about in what is essentially sleepwear shows that you really couldn't give a llama's arse about making yourself presentable and leads anyone who sees you to draw further unsavory conclusions about your self-maintenance. "If she can't be bothered to wear actual clothes, has she bothered to bathe recently? To brush her teeth? Comb her hair? Fend off her various infestations of lice? Anything?"

Don't think I don't get your reasoning either. I understand that it's comfortable and women's clothes--especially the fancy ones--often aren't. I get it. However, while I'll often come home from work and go straight into my pajamas for the rest of the day, unless my house is on fire I'm not leaving it without putting on something that doesn't look like I stole it from a Salvation Army donation bin.

"But I bet if it was some hot girl you'd be OK with it!" you moan, desperately attempting to convince yourself that I'm wrong.

No. I really wouldn't be OK with it and try as I might I can't think of a time I saw an attractive female wearing yoga pants anywhere other than the gym--one of the few places it makes sense to wear them. Part of what makes a woman (or anything else for that matter) attractive is the presentation. Yoga pants' presentation is akin to that of a grilled cheese sandwich that you scraped off of the floor and garnished with dead beetles.

I know--you're upset. I'm sorry.

You don't have to change anything. Maybe you're happily married, have a bunch of kids, have a job that you love, don't need anything more from life, and don't need to care what anyone thinks. That's totally fine. Just to reiterate, I'm not here to try and stop you from doing what makes you happy. If you're not worried about whether or not people take one look at you and assume you've got a five-foot stench radius and a buildup of moss between your toes, by all means wear whatever you want.

But you look like crap. Just sayin'.