Things That Make Me Happy Vol I: Vince Wilfork Is Fat

Sometimes, when we're having a bad day (which is just about every day for some of us) we need to take time out to look on the lighter side of life--or in some cases, the not-so-light side of life.

Few things in this world tickle my funny bone more than how freaking fat Vince Wilfork is.

 

Look at him. Jesus Christ, what a monster.

 

 Here are some little-known facts about Vince Wilfork:

1. Many people believe the African elephant is the world's largest land animal. This is not true. Vince Wilfork is the world's largest land animal.

2. Vince Wilfork once challenged Satan and God to an eating contest. Vince ate God and Satan forfeited.

3. Saturn has 12 rings and 62 moons. Vince Wilfork has 2 Super Bowl rings and 57 moons.

4. Vince Wilfork's gravity causes the tide to come in every time he goes to the beach.
5. Vince Wilfork can order dessert in 29 different languages.
6. Vince Wilfork's mass is so enormous he performs fusion at his core.
7. Vince Wilfork once ate Turkey for dinner. The country, not the food.
8. In high school, Vince Wilfork was voted "Most likely to collapse into a neutron star."
9. February used to have 31 days until Vince Wilfork ate three of them.
10. Vince Wilfork's blood type is "chocolate."
11. Vince Wilfork has said he enjoys yoga in his spare time. "Yoga" is how he pronounces "yogurt."
12. Vince Wilfork's doctor once told him he needed to lose a few pounds. The only time Vince has lost a few pounds was at a poker game in England.
13. Vince Wilfork has never been bitten by a mosquito; any that approach burn up in his atmosphere.
14. Vince Wilfork once did a set of jumping jacks. There were no survivors.
15. Vince Wilfork has a tattoo of his home state of Florida on his back. It is actual size.
16. Vince Wilfork is the fattest thing ever.

Look upon my fat, ye mighty, and despair.