Eeyore Is Not Depressed

Every now and then, I'll run across a joke based on Eeyore's unhappy nature, something like this:

This doesn't bug me because it's clearly a joke and a murderous, blood-soaked Pooh is something anyone can get behind.

What bugs me is this one that's been making the rounds lately:

It bugs me because of the implication that the only possible reason that someone could be unhappy like Eeyore is if they're clinically depressed. In our overmedicated, post-ADHD-craze world, everyone seems to assume that if we were to stuff a few Zoloft down his gullet, Eeyore would be perfectly happy. I disagree.

Therefore, I submit for your consideration the theory that Eeyore is not depressed, he's just unhappy because his life sucks. Here's why:

His friends are all basket cases

As I mentioned in my last post, all of Eeyore's Hundred Acre Wood companions are all mentally unstable or on drugs. They wreck his house, nail random shit to his ass when they can't find his tail, and drag him along on "adventures" that nearly get him killed when he'd clearly rather just stay home.

He's lonely

Eeyore is the only donkey in the Hundred Acre Wood. Not only does this mean that he is forced to associate with other species for friendship, but he's never getting laid. Eeyore will die a lonely, unmarried virgin.

He's basically homeless

So... what's the monthly rent on this place?

Eeyore's "house" is A PILE OF STICKS. Not only is this a pretty crappy dwelling, but it's constantly getting knocked over by that cokehead Tigger or a wind storm or whatever. This leaves poor Eeyore (who doesn't have thumbs, mind you) to reconstruct his home over and over again, usually by himself because his friends are too high to be of any assistance.

He's constantly losing his tail

Your first reaction to this might be "Well, the stupid donkey should keep track of that thing. It's his own damned fault."

While this is true, consider what effect this has on him. He's losing a part of his body. King Missile (link probably NSFW) notwithstanding, we can't imagine what it's like to have a part of our body separated from us. It's got to be awful.

Worse yet is what happens when he finds it.

Whenever Eeyore's tail is recovered, his friends NAIL IT ONTO HIS ASS. No stitches, no surgeon, no anesthetic--hell, even Velcro would be an improvement. But instead his neurotic junkie friends get a hammer and a nail and literally pin the tail on the donkey.

Despite his shitty life, Eeyore rarely complains

It can also be postulated that Eeyore isn't actually as sad as everyone thinks he is. When his tail goes missing, he often tells his friends it's not a big deal and not to bother looking for it. Of course, whether this is because he's not bothered by losing it or is just more afraid of another ass-nailing remains uncertain.

He also is surprisingly calm about his house getting knocked over, saying "It's ok, it wasn't much of a house anyway" (an extremely valid assessment) when Tigger comes blundering through and wrecks it.

Conclusion

Just because someone is unhappy doesn't mean they're clinically depressed. Sometimes their unhappiness is a completely valid reflection of their circumstances.

Eeyore's life is total crap. He's a lonely, homeless, dismembered bum surrounded by psychopaths. Of course he's unhappy.

Or maybe he's on heroin.

So I'm to go to the East side and buy you these "medical supplies"?

Psychoanalyzing the Hundred Acre Wood

While thinking about a post that will be appearing later (edit: it's now here), I realized that all of the characters in the Winnie the Pooh stories are either on drugs or mentally disturbed.
Here for your information and enjoyment is a rundown of the details.

Winnie the Pooh

Pooh is either a bumbling idiot or a pothead. I'm leaning toward the latter, as evidenced by his occasional moments of philosophical clarity and (most notably) the fact that he constantly has the munchies. He sits around all day dimwittedly contemplating existence and wondering when the Hundred Acre Wood will be getting a Taco Bell. 

Piglet

Suffers from paranoia, delusions, a litany of phobias, and is possibly schizophrenic.
Piglet is a hot mess.

Tigger

Tigger's a cocaine user but doesn't want his friends to know. He shows up happy, excited, energetic--literally bouncing with glee. Usually he quickly buggers off to go do some more coke but sometimes he sticks around for a while. The longer he's around the more confused, irritable, and frustrated he gets. 
This is because Tigger is coming down from his high.
He doesn't want all of his friends to know what he's up to, so he never does it in front of them. This means than anything more than a few hours around his pals leaves him itching for another bump.

Rabbit

Rabbit wears an apron, meticulously tends his garden, and constantly fusses over things like his dinner parties, his silverware and dishes, the cleanliness of his house, and whatever he's currently cooking.
Rabbit is a closeted homosexual.
However, his uncontrollable outbursts when someone gets in the way of his obsessions or puts something out of order suggest that he's not just bitchy, he suffers from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
The magnitude of its severity is hard to assess though, as he often exaggerates it to cover the fact that he is, as mentioned earlier, a closet-dweller.

Kanga

Like Pooh, Kanga is a major stoner. 
Even more so than Pooh (who will occasionally articulate his frustrations by saying "Oh bother"), she is extremely mellow. As chaos constantly and inevitably erupts around her via the other nutjobs, she calmly asserts that everything will be fine and everyone should just like, keep it cooool maaaan.
We know what's in that pouch, Kanga.

Gopher

Gopher, like Tigger, is constantly hopped up on stimulants. He's always working, always energetic, never stops, and never tires. Unlike Tigger, however, he lives underground and can thus hide his substance abuse better. 
What exactly he's on is uncertain; meth can be ruled out as his teeth are still in good condition. Whatever that old lady in Requiem for a Dream was using... Probably that.

Owl

Owl is actually quite sane, and once you understand his situation you can't help but pity him. The problem is that he's an idiot.
He has to live up to the "wise old owl" stereotype that is projected onto him by his friends, so he constantly spouts gibberish at them, misinterpreting things that he doesn't understand and presenting his word as gospel.
His friends, aware of their own ignorance and seeing him as "wise," believe everything he says.
These BS sessions always backfire, causing problems for himself and everyone else. A notable example of this was the incident where Christopher Robin went to school, which Owl misread as "skull." He then sent everyone on a wild goose chase to rescue Christopher, nearly getting them killed.
The sad part of this is that Owl knows he's full of shit. Even when his attempted highbrow babblings get them into trouble he must carry on the charade lest the others realize what a dolt he is. This is why he's one of the most rarely seen characters. He avoids the others for fear that they'll ask him questions for which he'll need to make up answers.
He's an idiot and a fraud and he hates himself for it.

Christopher Robin

First of all, where the hell are this kid's parents? He'll mention them from time to time but we never see them. Assuming the Hundred Acre Wood is aptly named, that's a pretty big tract of forest for some little kid to be mucking about in unsupervised.
Add to that the obvious fact that he's delusional (talking to toys all day) and it's clear that his parents' neglect has taken its toll on his emotional, social, and mental well-being. 
He likely won't make it to adulthood before he's committed to an asylum.

Eeyore

Everyone is quick to diagnose Eeyore with depression, but I disagree.
This, ladies and gentlemen, will be the topic of my next post.

Until then, good luck watching Winnie the Pooh without thinking about this.