Eeyore Is Not Depressed

Every now and then, I'll run across a joke based on Eeyore's unhappy nature, something like this:

This doesn't bug me because it's clearly a joke and a murderous, blood-soaked Pooh is something anyone can get behind.

What bugs me is this one that's been making the rounds lately:

It bugs me because of the implication that the only possible reason that someone could be unhappy like Eeyore is if they're clinically depressed. In our overmedicated, post-ADHD-craze world, everyone seems to assume that if we were to stuff a few Zoloft down his gullet, Eeyore would be perfectly happy. I disagree.

Therefore, I submit for your consideration the theory that Eeyore is not depressed, he's just unhappy because his life sucks. Here's why:

His friends are all basket cases

As I mentioned in my last post, all of Eeyore's Hundred Acre Wood companions are all mentally unstable or on drugs. They wreck his house, nail random shit to his ass when they can't find his tail, and drag him along on "adventures" that nearly get him killed when he'd clearly rather just stay home.

He's lonely

Eeyore is the only donkey in the Hundred Acre Wood. Not only does this mean that he is forced to associate with other species for friendship, but he's never getting laid. Eeyore will die a lonely, unmarried virgin.

He's basically homeless

So... what's the monthly rent on this place?

Eeyore's "house" is A PILE OF STICKS. Not only is this a pretty crappy dwelling, but it's constantly getting knocked over by that cokehead Tigger or a wind storm or whatever. This leaves poor Eeyore (who doesn't have thumbs, mind you) to reconstruct his home over and over again, usually by himself because his friends are too high to be of any assistance.

He's constantly losing his tail

Your first reaction to this might be "Well, the stupid donkey should keep track of that thing. It's his own damned fault."

While this is true, consider what effect this has on him. He's losing a part of his body. King Missile (link probably NSFW) notwithstanding, we can't imagine what it's like to have a part of our body separated from us. It's got to be awful.

Worse yet is what happens when he finds it.

Whenever Eeyore's tail is recovered, his friends NAIL IT ONTO HIS ASS. No stitches, no surgeon, no anesthetic--hell, even Velcro would be an improvement. But instead his neurotic junkie friends get a hammer and a nail and literally pin the tail on the donkey.

Despite his shitty life, Eeyore rarely complains

It can also be postulated that Eeyore isn't actually as sad as everyone thinks he is. When his tail goes missing, he often tells his friends it's not a big deal and not to bother looking for it. Of course, whether this is because he's not bothered by losing it or is just more afraid of another ass-nailing remains uncertain.

He also is surprisingly calm about his house getting knocked over, saying "It's ok, it wasn't much of a house anyway" (an extremely valid assessment) when Tigger comes blundering through and wrecks it.

Conclusion

Just because someone is unhappy doesn't mean they're clinically depressed. Sometimes their unhappiness is a completely valid reflection of their circumstances.

Eeyore's life is total crap. He's a lonely, homeless, dismembered bum surrounded by psychopaths. Of course he's unhappy.

Or maybe he's on heroin.

So I'm to go to the East side and buy you these "medical supplies"?