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| "I'm terrible" |
It's widely considered to be the best movie ever, and if someone followed step-by-step instructions on how to make a good movie, Citizen Kane could be the result.
The problem is, it sucks.
It's boring. The dialog is cheesy. The acting is downright embarrassing at times.
In sixth grade science class, we had to make a diorama of a certain era of the Earth's existence. I was assigned the Precambrian era (No, I'm not going to tell you what that means; kato vittu Googlesta).
I made a total piece of junk.
While this wasn't the easiest time period to turn into a 3D model, I inexcusably half-assed it. However, when my teacher went down the list of what our diorama needed to have, I had every single item that was required.
I didn't just get an A, I got 100 freaking percent.
One of my other teachers pulled me aside later to ask me why the hell I made such a shitball. She knew I could do better, as did I.
We could go into the lessons learned from this but the important thing here is that Citizen Kane is that diorama. Every critic ever has given Orson Welles 100% on the assignment but sorry, Orson; your movie's junk. Rosebud indeed. Bleh.
In light of my obvious deviation from the norm when it comes to movie enjoyment and combined with the fact that I am (as you well know) always right, I've decided to share with you my top ten favorite movies. I didn't say best movies, mind you, as I realize some of these aren't "great" in the technical/film school/by-the-book sense.
These will be in reverse order because it's stupid and anticlimactic to start a top ten list with #1 (yet I still see people doing it...).
I suppose I should also mention that this list might be different if you ask me in a few years' time as everything but the top three move up and down and on and off the list as time passes.
I'll try to go easy on the spoilers, but you should probably just watch all of these first.
So, without further delay...
#10 - The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
I've only just recently re-watched it and damn do I like this movie. I'll be honest and admit that the only reason I watched this was because I had watched the 1934 version and the only reason I had watched that version was because of V for Vendetta. Sue me.
I haven't read the book yet (stop throwing things; I'll read it someday I swear), so I can't compare the film to the book. I can, however, compare this to the 1934 version and I really like the changes they made for this one. For the sake of avoiding spoilers I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's more action, a more sensible plot progression, and more character development.
This movie makes me want to go have a sword fight.
#9 - The 13th Warrior (1999)
The embarrassing miscasting of Antonio Banderas as an Arab as well as a few other film-school faux pas factors that I don't give a crap about led to this being considered "not good" by most critics.
Screw them. They know nothing.
This movie has Vikings for god's sake, but unlike most movies with Vikings it doesn't go out of its way to remind you of that fact. I don't recall ever hearing the word "Vikings," in fact. Characters don't shout "By Odin's beard!" every five seconds or mutter about Thor when it rains.
In addition to pleasing my inner Vikingophile, the film brings the source material (Michael Crichton's novel Eaters of the Dead) to life in a way the book couldn't. Though it was by no means a "long" book, it lacked intensity and would have been a better read as a short story or novella. The movie cuts the crap and gets down to business.
With the exception of Banderas, it's populated by relatively obscure actors. This sounds like a bad thing but ends up being a boon in that it lacks the HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS ONE GUY RIGHT HERE factor that could have completely derailed it. The unknown cast does a fine job, and did I mention that there are Vikings?
#8 - The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
House, however, is probably the worst of the Universal Frankenstein series. The 1931 original is good, but it's the sequel that stands out.
When watching these old black-and-white horror movies, you sort of have to switch into a different mode. Appreciating films from this era isn't the same as films from today. Things were different, obviously.
Bride is one that takes less mode-switching than most.
It isn't devoid of the common cheeseball stuff that plagues this era--characters regularly deliver soliloquys to the sky instead of speaking to the person standing next to them, for example--but the faults are far outweighed by the audience's ability to identify with Karloff's creature.
I always root for the monsters in horror movies, and for once the script agrees with me.
Stay tuned for the rest of the list...
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