The 2019 JakeIsAlwaysRight Movie Awards

2019 was a great year for movies, I guess. From movies that we actually gave a shit about (Joker) to stuff that no one seems to be able to shut up about (Avengers) to Disney's attempts to cash in on nostalgia (The Lion King again, Aladdin again, Dumbo again, Jesus fucking Christ) to the more serious entries, there were plenty of contenders for this year's awards. 
Our experts spent hours debating over the minutiae of what constituted a good film, what kind of role was more deserving of an award, and countless other criteria to bring you what we believe is indisputably the most prestigious award list of the year.

We've elected to give the nominees a miss and go straight into the awards because that's more fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your 2019 JakeIsAlwaysRight Movie Award Winners!

Best Special Effects 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

No surprise that a movie about giant monsters smashing cities would get a special effects award. We particularly enjoyed the parts where they made it look like entire cities were getting smashed to bits when in fact there were no cities smashed to bits during the making of the film.

Best Actor

Godzilla -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Criticized in the past for his attempts to venture into more comedic roles, Godzilla revisited his more serious side in this film, bringing back shades of 1954's Godzilla and 1955's Godzilla Raids Again, in which he portrayed a city-stomping menace rather than a kung fu dork in a dinosaur suit. Though he risks being typecast as a giant monster in future films, we're excited to see what the future brings for this scaly leading lad. A true return to form for an underrated actor.

Best Actress 

Mothra -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Best known for her previous role of Mothra in Mothra as well as Mothra vs. Godzilla and other classics, she took on the role of Godzilla's love interest in this film as Mothra. Though we must admit (without spoiling the film for you) that a return for the character is unlikely in future films, we've heard spicy rumors of a love triangle involving a giant lamp. Fingers crossed!

Best Supporting Actor

Ghidorah's Left Head (not our left, his left... wait, no, stage left. HIS stage left, not ours. I think... Shit, did I screw this up? Just roll with it.) -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

That one.. No.. the other one...

We're sure most of you expected this to go to the Right Head and some even put forth a case for the Middle Head to take the award for being a convincing straight man to Righty's humorous portrayal, but we've got to go with Lefty on this one. In our eyes, it's no contest.

Best Supporting Actress

That one lady with the kid who tries to stop the bad guy or whatever -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

You know, that lady who has her kid with her and stuff and the dude from Game of Thrones makes her let Ghidorah out and then she's like "Oh no what have I done" and whatnot? Yeah, I guess she wins. Can't really think of anyone who deserves it, to be honest. 

Best Picture

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

We polled audiences and critics alike and the results backed up our pick unanimously. 
This film had everything. 
From Godzilla to monsters to stuff getting smashed to bits, it covered the full spectrum of human emotions (and monster emotions). The only criticism we can offer is that it might have been nice for a few more humans to be stomped to death, but they've got to save something for the sequel, right?



Thanks for reading; we're looking forward to next year's awards ceremony where we give every award to Godzilla vs. Kong.

Ghost in the Shell and the "Whitewashing of Hollywood"

So... I'm racist because a robot wasn't Asian? Really?

As often happens with movies I was late to the party on this one, but I just watched Ghost in the Shell. It's been out for ages now, so there will be spoilers herein and I won't feel any remorse for them. You've been warned.

For background purposes, I'd never seen the original comic book or movie or whatever the hell it was. All I knew was that it was some sort of animated Japanese thing.

The verdict, in short, was that I very much enjoyed it. Will it be on my top 10 favorite movies list? Probably not. Would I watch it again some day? Sure.

From the very little research I did, it seems that people's biggest reason for not enjoying it (among those who actually watched it; more on that soon) was that it didn't live up to or was unfaithful to the source material.

Again, I know nothing of the source material so I'm cool with that. And in broader strokes, it really kind of hacks me off when people bitch about that. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, for example, was a lovely little film that veered pretty wildly from the source material (to the chagrin of morons everywhere) but you know what? That's fine. I've already read the books. I don't need to see them again. In fact, I watched the British TV version of Hitchhiker's and it was line-for-freaking-line the exact same as the book. I was bored to death. It was awful.

Movies should differ from the source or they risk being stale.

Ghost in the Shell gets my official Walrus of Approval. There's my review, and it was short because there's something else we need to talk about here.

When this movie came out, I remember there being a major uproar about how Hollywood was being whitewashed because Scarlett Johansson was playing an Asian person. My response to that was "Yeah, that seems a bit wrong. Bad move on the studio's part, but..."

People get roles outside of their race all the time in the movies, and right or wrong it's honestly not shocking anymore.

My feeling was that it was silly and maybe a bit of a turnoff, but in a country where Asians are nowhere near the majority of the population, the big name actresses aren't going to be Asian. Therefore, while I expected it to bug people, I figured it was just a business decision to get a big name actress into the lead role so people would see this very expensive effects-laden movie and the studio wouldn't lose money.

The rest of the world, of course, took it a little harder than I did. After all, it's 2017 and everyone's hobby seems to be some combination of staring at their phone and getting offended by stupid shit, so why stop now?

In one respect, my assumption was correct--the studio wanted Scarlett Johansson instead of an Asian actress because she's a major name that will draw attention and fans.

Here's what I didn't know: Scarlett's character isn't an Asian person. It's a robot.

For those of you who need a slap or two to figure out why this is relevant, robots don't have race. They're robots. What race is your microwave? Your fridge? Your iPhone?

Scarlett's character is a robot with a human brain. Yes, that human brain turns out to have belonged to an Asian person, but with the people who built her wanting to obscure her past, why is it hard to believe that they'd put her Asian brain in a body that doesn't appear Asian? Wouldn't that actually be more likely so as to throw her off the trail of her true past?

"Durr but it's Japanese source material taking place in Asia so the lead character must be Asian!"

Firstly, the movie has British people, black people, Asians, white people of unknown descent, and people of indeterminate race all inhabiting the same area. It's pretty diverse. Scarlett isn't out of place.

Secondly, are we really going to say that changing the apparent race of a character to something different from the original is racist? 
Ford Prefect in the earlier-mentioned Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a regular white British fellow in the books, but he's played in the movie by the obviously black Mos Def. If I say that's wrong, I'm pretty sure the racism police would be at the door in a flash.

A recent remake of the Broadway classic Annie had multiple characters (including the lead) transmuted to black. Again, if I say that's wrong and bad and an affront to the source material, I'd rightfully be labelled racist.

In more recent times, the previously white Wonder Woman was played by Gal Gadot--an Israeli--to near-universal acclaim.

So why is it racist for Scarlett to play a character that once appeared (appeared not was, mind you, because she's a raceless robot) to be Asian? It seems that the toxic notion that only white people can be racist is rearing its ugly head again.

One can only assume that ignorance is to blame for this. A handful of morons began shrieking "Injustice!" and the vast multitudes of ovine dimwits that populate the internet parroted the complaints without bothering to check any facts or use their brains at all.

My apathy led me to similar ignorance, so in that respect I suppose I'm not entirely blameless, but you can be sure if I'd felt the need to join the hordes trying to drown you all in a river of righteous tears about Scarlett's alleged misdeeds I would have read up on it a bit first.

Another thought for your consideration: this movie underperformed at the box office.
Now Scarlett Johansson isn't about to go broke; she made millions for this film alone. The studios are likewise probably doing fine. But there are a lot of people involved in a movie with vastly differing situations. What if someone lost their job because of your idiotic protest against nonexistent racism? What if this was someone's only chance to work on a movie set and now that chance is blown because the movie didn't live up to financial expectations because you and your fellow cattle boycotted it and spread half-truths and outright lies about it?

Maybe everyone's fine. Maybe these protests are just a foolish little grain in the sands of time. Either way this culture of self-appointed martyrs, pathological victims, and imagined racism continues to make me ill.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 1 - 3)

It's time for the grand finale.

If you haven't read parts one and two, you'll want to do so now.

I mentioned in the first installment that this is a fairly malleable list. What is today number 8 could be 10 the next week, off the list entirely the week after that, and up to 5 the next.

These last three don't change. They haven't in quite some time. I love these movies like a walrus loves his mustache.

3. Casablanca (1942)

Just as Bride of Frankenstein epitomized the atmosphere of the early 20th century horror film, Casablanca does likewise for whatever genre you care to chuck it in. Everyone's dressed up and drinking Scotch and smoking. This is what (in the mind of someone who never actually saw it) this time period should look like.

To go with the atmosphere, you've got Humphrey Bogart at his best. He won an Oscar for The African Queen (which I couldn't even force myself to watch all of), but this film and The Maltese Falcon are where he excels.
Bogart was best when playing someone bitter, cynical, and miserable. In movies like Sabrina where he's relatively happy sometimes, he's mediocre.

Casablanca shares another similarity with Bride of Frankenstein in that it's not as cheesy as its contemporaries and can be watched by modern audiences with less of a forced shift in mindset. The overacting that plagued this era of film is mostly absent, the humor is pleasantly subtle or at least not heavy-handed, and the plot isn't laden with contrivances.

This film nears perfection and should be at or near the top of everyone's list. The only thing stopping it from being the best movie ever is, of course, the presence of two other greats such as...

2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

If you haven't seen this movie, you've heard of it.
If you haven't heard of this movie, you've heard it quoted.
If you haven't heard it quoted, I'd love to know how you got Internet access in that cave in which you've been living for 50 years.

It's always bugged me how comedies have to stop, sit everyone down, and have a serious moment.
The guy and girl have to get in a fight and be sad.
Someone has to die.
The baseball team has to lose the big game.
There's always that one mopey, emotional blah moment in the middle that drags on and on while you leave the room to get more popcorn.

This movie doesn't have that.

It's the first movie I recall seeing that was absolutely hilarious from start to finish. The most serious part is the intermission (which, of course, isn't serious at all).

Due to its Britishness you may need to watch it a few times to catch all of the jokes but it is without a doubt the funniest movie ever. EVER.

Watching it for the first time is a life event. An experience. I quite literally could not believe what I was seeing. It's ridiculous. It's silly. It's absurd. It's insane.

Some people may not care for the British style of humour (with added 'u' for British effect), but there's enough slapstick and silliness that absolutely every human being on this earth should love--not like--love this movie.

If you've watched it twice (just to make sure you're getting it) and you still don't like it, follow these steps:

1) Obtain a half gallon of bleach and a half gallon of ammonia-based cleaning liquid.
2) Pour one into the other.
3) Drink the mixture.
4) Sit and die quietly because you're clearly awful and have nothing but misery to contribute to the world.

AND NOW... THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...

1. Fight Club (1999)

Let's say you're standing on the sidewalk waiting for a bus or something when the most attractive woman or man (whatever you're into) you've ever seen hops out of a taxi, walks up to you, kisses you full on the lips, squeezes your bum, hops back into the cab, and speeds off.

You don't know what the hell just happened, but you know you liked it.

That's what it's like to watch Fight Club for the first time.

Seeing it a second time is like the girl coming back, informing you that she's a deaf-mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store, and asking if you'd like to come live with her in her mansion in Hawaii.

Where Monty Python is constant hilarity of the silly, goofy variety, Fight Club is black humor at its best.

Chuck Pahlaniuk (the author of the book on which the movie is based) is known for this sort of humor in his writing--the kind of humor where you don't know if it's hilarious or tragic. It's a bleak, depressing sort of humor that segues back and forth into seriousness, perfectly capturing the feeling of everything being so miserable that one can't help but laugh. This comes through perfectly in Edward Norton's deadpan narration and Brad Pitt's calmly nihilistic speeches.

Speaking of which, the casting in this movie was spot on. It is now impossible for me to see Pitt or Norton in anything else because they played their roles so perfectly. They're forever marked as Fight Club characters. Helena Bonham Carter's trademark gothy-disheveled look is a great match for the character of Marla as well.

There is one scene where two bit-part actors' parts are poorly played, but apart from that and my slight dissatisfaction with the ending, there isn't a minute of this movie I don't love.

The Dust Brothers' soundtrack is also (for lack of a better adjective) perfect, as is its use. The hyperactive techno music starts and stops abruptly, giving the movie a feeling of disjointed pacing that illustrates the narrator's disorientation and insomnia.

Many critics dismissed this as a testosterone trip fueled only by violence, but the fighting isn't even the important part. It's a movie about being fed up with following the herd and fitting the mold and living a life that's as cliche as those cliches I just used.

I get that this movie isn't for everyone. If you're easily shocked or offended--if you're really comfortable with your life--if you're OK with living exactly the way your parents planned out for you--if you can't stand the idea of people doing things that are socially unacceptable...

Maybe you won't like this film.

But then again, maybe those are all reasons that you really need to see it.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 4-7)

Today we continue my countdown of my top ten favorite movies.
Read the first installment of the series if you haven't already.

On to the countdown!

7. Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

This is starting to look like a "Top Ten Most Underrated Films" list. That won't continue the whole way, but for now... Where the Wild Things Are.

Because it was based on one of the most well-known children's books ever, people logically assumed that this was a children's movie. The marketing did little to contradict these assumptions.

It's not a children's movie.
It's a movie about children.

No movie I've ever seen captures the mind of a child like this one. Every scene past the first few could be straight out of a dream or the imagination of a kid. Weird things happen with no explanation. The characters behave in ways that seem ridiculous, but in exactly the way a child would expect them to. At times it's absolute unrestrained fun.

Most of the time though, it's bleak as hell.

This movie is bleak, spirit-crushing, and depressing in all the best possible ways.
It's a movie about a child on the cusp of no longer being a child, and he's realizing that. He's realizing that his actions have consequences. He's realizing that things rarely turn out the way we plan them (but maybe not as bad as we think).

Instead of simply being re-creations of the wild-eyed goofy critters in the book, the Wild Things are beautifully humanized. They have emotions, problems, opinions, physical pain, etc. Their facial expressions are especially well done. For a giant monster to be made as expressive as these were is amazing. Contrasted with their size and strength (illustrated by them smashing the shit out of pretty much everything), their sadness becomes even more powerful.

As kids we were all confused and unhappy at one point or another, and this movie makes me remember exactly how that felt.

6. The Dark Knight (2008)

I'd like to just put the whole Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy here but if I must narrow it down to one, this is the best of the lot.

Batman's always been my favorite superhero, so in the interest of full disclosure--I'm biased. Favorite movies, says the title.

These were the first superhero movies to be "realistic." I use that word very loosely as they're still preposterous (as is pretty much every single other movie ever made), but less so than most superhero movies. There are no aliens, no magic powers, no one turning themselves into electricity or stopping time.
Not only does this lessen the "Jesus Christ this is stupid" factor that dampens most comic book superhero films like a urine-soaked rag atop a bouquet of otherwise fragrant roses, it helps allow the human element to be showcased, which is what makes this series special.

Bruce Wayne has everything, but doesn't want it. He doesn't know what he wants, really. He pretty much hates his life.
He has a select few people and things worth living for and he has to fight for them--and sometimes deal with having them taken away.

Unlike most folks, I don't give Heath Ledger extra credit for dying after this movie. His performance is excellent, but not as super-duper-ohmygod-legendary as people decided it was because he died. The fact that he was unable to reprise the role actually helps in that the enigma of his character remains intact. We never do find out "how [he] got these scars."

No other comic book film comes close to having a human story that makes us care as much as this one. The Spider-Man movies make a commendable effort, but it doesn't really extend much further than Tobey Maguire or James Garfield whingeing about how their spider-hobby takes up time that could be better spent banging Kirsten Dunst/Emma Stone.

5. Gangs of New York (2002)

Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty much the best actor ever. He's one of the few actors where I'll watch any movie simply because they're in it.

There's really not much else to say about this one. It's just a damned good movie. Leonardo DiCaprio's character's inner conflicts are played out wonderfully; just when you think the movie isn't paying attention to itself you realize it's been brewing in his head for some time. Cameron Diaz (and to a lesser degree, her character) is unnecessary, but that's a minor complaint.

While you're at it, check out the bonus feature on the DVD about the real gangs from this time period that the movie was based upon. Pretty interesting stuff.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

Before we start here, there is--to quote Karl Pilkington--an elephant in the room.
It seems that no one can discuss this movie without bitching about Mickey Rooney's ridiculous and "offensive" portrayal of an Asian.
I'm only mentioning it here to emphasize that I'm not going to mention it.
It was acceptable then. It was a different time. No one's doing it now. Stop your goddamned whining. It's just a movie. Jesus.

Moving along...

I'm not sure why I like this movie so much. The humor is heavy-handed and goofy, and it's pretty much a chick flick.

There's probably some sentimental value attached to it because of who I first watched it with, but this is just a hard movie not to like. Audrey Hepburn's performance--in this film as in her others--brings an honesty and believability to her character. Suspension of disbelief is never a problem when watching her.

It's also one of those movies that is, quite simply, fun. It's enjoyable to watch even when it's not well-executed. In this regard, it's sort of the anti-Citizen Kane. If you turned this in at your film school you'd probably get a C, but your teacher would beg you to let him keep a copy.


Next time around it's the top three.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 8-10)

"I'm terrible"

You know, I didn't really like Citizen Kane.
It's widely considered to be the best movie ever, and if someone followed step-by-step instructions on how to make a good movie, Citizen Kane could be the result.

The problem is, it sucks.

It's boring. The dialog is cheesy. The acting is downright embarrassing at times.

In sixth grade science class, we had to make a diorama of a certain era of the Earth's existence. I was assigned the Precambrian era (No, I'm not going to tell you what that means; kato vittu Googlesta).

I made a total piece of junk.

While this wasn't the easiest time period to turn into a 3D model, I inexcusably half-assed it. However, when my teacher went down the list of what our diorama needed to have, I had every single item that was required.

I didn't just get an A, I got 100 freaking percent.

One of my other teachers pulled me aside later to ask me why the hell I made such a shitball. She knew I could do better, as did I.

We could go into the lessons learned from this but the important thing here is that Citizen Kane is that diorama. Every critic ever has given Orson Welles 100% on the assignment but sorry, Orson; your movie's junk. Rosebud indeed. Bleh.

In light of my obvious deviation from the norm when it comes to movie enjoyment and combined with the fact that I am (as you well know) always right, I've decided to share with you my top ten favorite movies. I didn't say best movies, mind you, as I realize some of these aren't "great" in the technical/film school/by-the-book sense.

These will be in reverse order because it's stupid and anticlimactic to start a top ten list with #1 (yet I still see people doing it...).

I suppose I should also mention that this list might be different if you ask me in a few years' time as everything but the top three move up and down and on and off the list as time passes.

I'll try to go easy on the spoilers, but you should probably just watch all of these first.

So, without further delay...

#10 - The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

This one could easily climb higher (err... lower? Closer to #1, I mean).

I've only just recently re-watched it and damn do I like this movie. I'll be honest and admit that the only reason I watched this was because I had watched the 1934 version and the only reason I had watched that version was because of V for Vendetta. Sue me.

I haven't read the book yet (stop throwing things; I'll read it someday I swear), so I can't compare the film to the book. I can, however, compare this to the 1934 version and I really like the changes they made for this one. For the sake of avoiding spoilers I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's more action, a more sensible plot progression, and more character development.

This movie makes me want to go have a sword fight.

#9 - The 13th Warrior (1999)

This movie single-handedly made me say "favorite" rather than "best" in the title.

The embarrassing miscasting of Antonio Banderas as an Arab as well as a few other film-school faux pas factors that I don't give a crap about led to this being considered "not good" by most critics.

Screw them. They know nothing.

This movie has Vikings for god's sake, but unlike most movies with Vikings it doesn't go out of its way to remind you of that fact. I don't recall ever hearing the word "Vikings," in fact. Characters don't shout "By Odin's beard!" every five seconds or mutter about Thor when it rains.

In addition to pleasing my inner Vikingophile, the film brings the source material (Michael Crichton's novel Eaters of the Dead) to life in a way the book couldn't. Though it was by no means a "long" book, it lacked intensity and would have been a better read as a short story or novella. The movie cuts the crap and gets down to business.

With the exception of Banderas, it's populated by relatively obscure actors. This sounds like a bad thing but ends up being a boon in that it lacks the HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS ONE GUY RIGHT HERE factor that could have completely derailed it. The unknown cast does a fine job, and did I mention that there are Vikings?

#8 - The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

I've always had a soft spot for old horror flicks. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I saw House of Frankenstein and I've been in love since.

House, however, is probably the worst of the Universal Frankenstein series. The 1931 original is good, but it's the sequel that stands out.

When watching these old black-and-white horror movies, you sort of have to switch into a different mode. Appreciating films from this era isn't the same as films from today. Things were different, obviously.
Bride is one that takes less mode-switching than most.

It isn't devoid of the common cheeseball stuff that plagues this era--characters regularly deliver soliloquys to the sky instead of speaking to the person standing next to them, for example--but the faults are far outweighed by the audience's ability to identify with Karloff's creature.

I always root for the monsters in horror movies, and for once the script agrees with me.


Stay tuned for the rest of the list...