You're All Awful (Vol. I)

These are NOUNS: 
Walkout, hangout, workout, hangup, setup, startup, kickoff [et cetera].

These are VERBS + ADVERBS:
Walk out, hang out, work out, hang up, set up, start up, kick off [et cetera].

"Breath" is a NOUN and rhymes with "death."

"Breathe" is a VERB and rhymes with Mike Tyson saying "freeze."

These things are not interchangeable. They aren't examples of "either one is fine" or "they both work."

This is some basic elementary school shit and you're awful for screwing it up.

Have a nice day, jerks.

The 10 Best Albums Ever (Numbers 3 - 1)

Series index:
  Intro | 10 - 7 | 6 - 4 | 3 - 1

 3. Rammstein - Reise, Reise (2004)

Rammstein's career has followed a wide arc. Their first two albums were a dry sort of techno-metal which--while still enjoyable--wasn't about to approach inclusion on this list. Their third, Mutter, began to branch out into some variety, showing a little more emotion and a little less silly BDSM lyrics.

After Reise, Reise, they put out the half-crap, half-masterpiece album I mentioned in the intro to this series and have been hit-or-miss since.

Standing in the middle of this arc is Reise, Reise, the apex of their existence. 

The lyrics aren't perfect but they've got enough thought put into them that they're well above average, especially for this genre. More importantly, this album is musically delicious.

"Mein Teil" is a perfect display of the heavy industrial sound the band had toyed with in the past, except way better than they'd ever executed it before. "Ohne Dich" drops all the macho metal bits and aims for the heart of the unsuspecting metalhead. The whole album (with the exception of "Los") is a joy to listen to. In true Rammstein fashion, they complimented this with some damned good music videos as well. In case you've lost count that's four videos for one album, all of which worth a watch in addition to my favorite song from this album, which didn't get a video.

I've listened to this album enough that I should be sick of it by now. The fact that I'm not is an indication of just how good it is.

2. Valravn - Koder På Snor (2009)

 

 Ah, Valravn. We hardly knew ye. After releasing a decent debut EP and a good follow-up album, these Scandinavian electro-folk hippie Vikings dropped this absolute masterpiece on us. A few years later they were in the process of recording what would have been (judging by the only two songs that ever saw the light of day) another masterpiece when they unceremoniously broke up, single-handedly disproving the existence of a benevolent and loving God.
The album's unconventional nature caused it to take a little while to grow on me, but grow it has. It's a beautiful album without a single dud track.
The moods on this album run the gamut from the fun, danceable (at least I assume it is... dancing is something my body doesn't seem capable of) "Seersken" to the slow-building yet somehow frantic "Lysabild" to the goth-industrial-esque finale "Farin Uttan At Verða Vekk."
Vocalist Anna Katrin Egilstrøð does things with her voice you never knew you wanted to hear but you can't get enough of. Electronic-stuff-doer-guy Christopher Juul's contributions help elevate this album and band from their previous good offering (before he joined the band) to the greatness we see here while folk instruments such as hurdy gurdy and hammered dulcimer keep the attention of electronic music haters from wavering.
If Björk quit screwing around and just made some amazingly good music with a few proper instruments thrown in to complement the electronics, it might sound like this. Again, it's unconventional and takes a few listens to really hook you but this is absolutely the best music you've never heard of.
I will forever mourn this band's early demise.

1. Cradle of Filth - Midian (2000)

 

Oh, sweet Midian.
Given the last decade or so of uninspiring material from Cradle of Filth, it's easy to forget that they were once the friggin' best. Albums like Vempire, Cruelty and the Beast, and Midian's successor Bitter Suites to Succubi could easily have made this list if I weren't limiting each band to one entry, but Midian is the absolute peak of CoF's career.
Guitarist Paul Allender had recently returned to the band--apparently with some great material in tow--and Martin Powell had just joined to temporarily shut down the revolving door that is CoF's keyboard position.
Without taking anything away from the other band members, this album can be summed up as "Martin Powell's masterpiece." The keyboards on this album are beyond reproach. Without overpowering the rest of the music they provide the creepy horror-movie-soundtrack vibe that makes this album so haunting and evil-sounding that it prompted the band's amusing but unimpressive attempt at making their own horror movie. Everything Powell does here is great, whether subtle or foreground.
The vocals are top-notch as well; Dani's voice is in its prime and Sarah Jezebel Deva proves that it isn't necessarily over when the fat lady sings.
Lyrically, Dani's output over time has ranged from "Excellent poetry with no hope of fitting the music rhythmically" (Dusk and Her Embrace) to "Well, it's crap but it's in line with the music" (Godspeed on the Devil's Thunder and thereafter). Midian falls in the sweet spot between these two extremes, sporting well-written lyrics that actually fit the music. I recall learning in English class about alliteration, assonance, metaphor, simile, and all the various mechanisms that "good" poetry employs, and realizing that "Lord Abortion" (of all songs) is a master class on them.
Doug Bradley's cameos as Pinhead from the Hellraiser series work much better than one would expect, and the album flows well as a whole. Tracks lead perfectly into one another without a disjointed, broken-up feel. This is much harder to achieve than one might think, and turns Midian into a cohesive unit rather than just a collection of songs.
Is it perfect? Well no, nothing is. The production's a little wonky and "Satanic Mantra" is silly and unnecessary, but with its run time only being about a minute it's a minor offense.
These complaints are but tiny blips in the great glorious shadow of songs like Saffron's Curse and Her Ghost in the Fog. The songwriting is impeccable throughout on every instrument, and Powell's perfect keyboard performance elevates it to legendary status.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the best album ever.

The 10 Best Albums Ever (Numbers 6 - 4)

Series index:
Intro | 10 - 7 | 6 - 4 | 3 - 1

6. Korpiklaani - Manala (2012)

 

Before this album, Korpiklaani had released plenty of solid material. Songs like "Pine Woods," "Tequila," and various other boozy tunes had been blasting from my speakers for years. But like too many bands who follow the "do one thing and do it well" axiom, they did too much of that one thing. Excepting one or two great songs per album, all of their previous material sounds more or less the same. Combine that with the occasional lousy filler song and their albums are less than noteworthy.
That changed with Manala. Seemingly out of nowhere, they put out a full album of (other than the dull instrumental "Husky Sledge") songs that range from very good to great. "Ievan Polkka" is an insanely catchy metalized take on a traditional Finnish tune, and "Uni" has more of what I can only describe as "feeling" than most previous Korpiklaani material. 
The band's usual trademark of fun, upbeat material is still present here, but different pacing and moods can be found to avoid the sameness that bogged down their early releases. Additionally, Manala is easily the heaviest album Korpiklaani has released; the guitars drive harder than ever and the drums have a more pummeling, heavy feel to them. The fact that this is accomplished without overshadowing the folk elements is key.
The production, though never bad in the past, also takes a step forward here. Everything's crisp and clear and avoids muddling together, and the off-pitch wind instruments fail to make an appearance.

5. Metsatöll - Äio (2010)

Any time I hear a new band (or even a new album by a familiar band), it usually takes a while to grow on me. I'll think "Eh, it's ok" at first and then like it more with every listen. Metsatöll is one of the few bands that didn't take any time for me to love them.

These Estonian folk metal merchants have a raw feel to their music that is hard to explain without hearing it. It's mostly thrash metal, but the vocals are unique and primal and the various ethnic instruments such as bagpipes, recorders, and myriad stringed oddities give this music a folk element different even from other folk metal. The best way I can describe it is this: if you went back in time a few hundred years and gave Metsatöll's instruments to the nearest blood-soaked army of lunatics and asked them to put together some songs about how they were feeling at the time, you'd get Äio.

As I mentioned in the intro to this series, I could have put a few of their albums in or near the top ten if I weren't limiting myself to just one. Given such limitations I narrowed it down to this album and its successor, Ulg, with Äio winning by virtue of having the Estonian Men's Choir providing backing vocals. The choral parts--rather than being the boring Christmas crap that the word "choir" brings to mind--turn these songs into battle hymns.

This album has variety, from the more straightforward "Vaid Vaprust" to the sea shanty "Kuni Pole Kodus Olen Kaugel Teel" and like most Metsatöll albums it has no shortage of material. There are fourteen songs on here and only one is even remotely skippable. 

Depending on my mood at the time, this one could possibly find itself in the top three.

4. Nightwish - Century Child (2002)

What can I say about Nightwish? They started off as a technically flashy power metal band and morphed over time into (for lack of a better descriptor) movie-soundtrack metal. This stylistic evolution brought more variety to their sound and more emotion to the music. Century Child is the first such album in their discography.

Tuomas Holopainen (keyboards) is easily the best songwriter in metal and possibly the best in any modern musical style. However, just as Babe Ruth struck out from time to time, Tuomas's genius is tempered by occasionally writing songs that sound like he turned the writing duties over to a hormonal teenager. For the most part, this is their only major flaw and thus it's the criterion by which we decide which of their albums gets to be on my list.
As there are roughly equal quantities of great songs on Century Child, Once, and Dark Passion Play, it came down to which album had the least bad material on it. Other than Tuomas completely laying an egg on "Slaying the Dreamer," this album has no bad songs. "End of All Hope," "Ever Dream," and their version of The Phantom of the Opera are pure gold, and the rest of the songs range from good to very good.

A great album by one of my favorite bands.

Next week it's the top three. Are you excited?

The 10 Best Albums Ever (Numbers 10 - 7)

Series index:

 Intro | 10 - 7 | 6 - 4 | 3 - 1

Today I'll be bringing you numbers 10 -7 of the best albums ever made. If you haven't yet read the introduction to this series, you should probably do so now.

10. Trollfest - Kaptein Kaos (2014)

Having heard some of Trollfest's past material, I didn't have very high expectations for this album. Then came the video for the title track and I was blown away--it was goofy metal at its finest. They couldn't keep up that quality for a whole album, could they?
Yup.
This album has a ton of variety between songs and while some don't reach the lofty hights of the title track, "Solskinnsmedisin," or "Die Grosse Echsen," they're at worst decent.
Kaptein Kaos is all kinds of fun and is a rare case of a band with comedic lyrics making music that would stand on its own without the comedy element. I'm pretty sure the happy goofy comedy is actually the only thing keeping this from being higher on the list, as I'm a miserable bastard and this is just too happy for me to rate it higher.

9. Weezer - Weezer (1994)

I probably don't need to say much about this album as it's indesputably a classic. This was one of the first albums where I remember regularly listening the whole way through without skipping any songs.
"Say It Ain't So" might be the best song on the album and still gets a fair lot of radio play today, but check out the underrated closer "Only In Dreams" if you haven't heard it yet.

8. Indica - Valoissa (2008)

This is Indica's fourth offering of Finnish pop/rock and easily their best. Valoissa was produced by Nightwish's Tuomas Holopainien, and his influence on the album is palpable as this has some distinctly Nightwish-y moments in the production and songwriting. Additionally, Troy Donockley makes an appearance on the low whistle here, a few years before joining Nightwish as a full-time member.
These are good things.
The keyboards and vocals shine in particular, though no instrument lags far behind. The almost-metal "Pahinta tänään" is what got me into this band, but the real winners on this album are "Hiljainen maa" and "Ei enää."
"Täältä pois" is the only track that could be accused of being weak, but the piano solo kinda rocks so it isn't a total loss.

7. Burzum - Hvis lyset tar oss (1994)

The common consensus is that Filosofem is Burzum's best album, but the common consensus is wrong. That album gets a disproportionate amount of love due to featuring the song "Dunkelheit," which is the closest to mainstream Burzum has ever veered. It's not a better album, it's just the only album non-fans of black metal can stand to listen to.
Varg Vikernes is a master of creating atmospheric black metal and this album is the pinnacle of that style. Filosofem makes a good case for being his best and could arguably be ranked second, but with Hvis Lyset Tar Oss's "Tomhet" being the best synth instrumental of Varg's career, this album is the clear winner.

Next post will be numbers 6 through 4.

The 10 Best Albums Ever (intro and honorable mentions)

Once upon a time, I shared with you my favorite movies. These were listed as my favorites, not objectively "the best ever," but let's face it--my opinion is basically fact. You can go ahead and read it as a "best ever" list.
In the same spirit, I will be bringing you my top 10 favorite books, music videos, and albums (not necessarily in that order). First to come will be the albums.

As evidenced by the multitudes of  one-hit wonders we've seen over the years, writing a good song doesn't necessarily mean you'll write a good album. To be truly great, an album needs to be a constant stream of good songs from start to finish as well as a few great ones.
Unfortunately, bands are notoriously bad at self-editing and will include songs that could and should have been omitted. More songs doesn't necessarily mean a better album.

A prime example of this is Nightwish, whose album Once you will find conspicuously absent from my list despite featuring "Ghost Love Score," which is the best song ever written.¹ Once eliminates itself from contention with a few mediocre songs and the embarrassingly bad "Creek Mary's Blood," which sullies the message it tries to convey with bland music and weak lyrics.
Due to their similar penchant for filling their albums with nonsense and filler material, Type O Negative find their discography falling short of my top ten despite being one of my favorite bands with plenty of my favorite songs.
Worse still, Rammstein's Rosenrot album would have made the top five if it were only the first five songs, but they decided to follow the best material they've ever written with six tracks of unlistenable crap.
The point I'm obviously trying to hammer home here is that albums are judged from start to finish without skipping any songs.

Similarly to my movie favorites, albums will come and go from the lesser echelons of the top ten depending on my mood and what styles I've become obsessed with of late. Once we get closer to number one there's more stability to be had.

Lastly, I've limited each band to one entry on this list because it was otherwise at risk of being "Jake's top ten favorite Metsatöll albums."

The countdown will begin in the next post, but first some honorable mentions that didn't make the top ten:

Finntroll - Nattfödd (2004)

Just a solid album from start to finish with no bad tracks. It was tough to leave this one off the list but the album's brevity nearly pushes it into EP territory and the overly compressed production combines with some repetitious material and lack of variety to just miss the cut.

Various albums by Type O Negative, Arkona, and Eluveitie

For these three bands to miss the cut was painful for me as all three would land in my "top ten bands" list with little risk of falling out. Unfortunately none of them have yet managed to release an album that doesn't suffer from too many bad songs mixed in with the great ones (Type O), or too many forgettable, samey songs (Eluveitie and Arkona). These three bands are further proof that writing a great album is a tricky thing to do and apparently not even necessary for a band to be successful. I'd argue that all three could have made the list simply by removing a handful of junk songs from any of their albums, which seems counterintutitive BUT I SAID THE ALBUMS WILL BE JUDGED FROM START TO FINISH, DAMN IT!

Stay tuned for numbers 10 through 7 next.


------------------------------------------------------------
1. I guess this means I've spoiled a "top ten favorite songs" list already, huh?

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 8-10)

"I'm terrible"

You know, I didn't really like Citizen Kane.
It's widely considered to be the best movie ever, and if someone followed step-by-step instructions on how to make a good movie, Citizen Kane could be the result.

The problem is, it sucks.

It's boring. The dialog is cheesy. The acting is downright embarrassing at times.

In sixth grade science class, we had to make a diorama of a certain era of the Earth's existence. I was assigned the Precambrian era (No, I'm not going to tell you what that means; kato vittu Googlesta).

I made a total piece of junk.

While this wasn't the easiest time period to turn into a 3D model, I inexcusably half-assed it. However, when my teacher went down the list of what our diorama needed to have, I had every single item that was required.

I didn't just get an A, I got 100 freaking percent.

One of my other teachers pulled me aside later to ask me why the hell I made such a shitball. She knew I could do better, as did I.

We could go into the lessons learned from this but the important thing here is that Citizen Kane is that diorama. Every critic ever has given Orson Welles 100% on the assignment but sorry, Orson; your movie's junk. Rosebud indeed. Bleh.

In light of my obvious deviation from the norm when it comes to movie enjoyment and combined with the fact that I am (as you well know) always right, I've decided to share with you my top ten favorite movies. I didn't say best movies, mind you, as I realize some of these aren't "great" in the technical/film school/by-the-book sense.

These will be in reverse order because it's stupid and anticlimactic to start a top ten list with #1 (yet I still see people doing it...).

I suppose I should also mention that this list might be different if you ask me in a few years' time as everything but the top three move up and down and on and off the list as time passes.

I'll try to go easy on the spoilers, but you should probably just watch all of these first.

So, without further delay...

#10 - The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

This one could easily climb higher (err... lower? Closer to #1, I mean).

I've only just recently re-watched it and damn do I like this movie. I'll be honest and admit that the only reason I watched this was because I had watched the 1934 version and the only reason I had watched that version was because of V for Vendetta. Sue me.

I haven't read the book yet (stop throwing things; I'll read it someday I swear), so I can't compare the film to the book. I can, however, compare this to the 1934 version and I really like the changes they made for this one. For the sake of avoiding spoilers I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's more action, a more sensible plot progression, and more character development.

This movie makes me want to go have a sword fight.

#9 - The 13th Warrior (1999)

This movie single-handedly made me say "favorite" rather than "best" in the title.

The embarrassing miscasting of Antonio Banderas as an Arab as well as a few other film-school faux pas factors that I don't give a crap about led to this being considered "not good" by most critics.

Screw them. They know nothing.

This movie has Vikings for god's sake, but unlike most movies with Vikings it doesn't go out of its way to remind you of that fact. I don't recall ever hearing the word "Vikings," in fact. Characters don't shout "By Odin's beard!" every five seconds or mutter about Thor when it rains.

In addition to pleasing my inner Vikingophile, the film brings the source material (Michael Crichton's novel Eaters of the Dead) to life in a way the book couldn't. Though it was by no means a "long" book, it lacked intensity and would have been a better read as a short story or novella. The movie cuts the crap and gets down to business.

With the exception of Banderas, it's populated by relatively obscure actors. This sounds like a bad thing but ends up being a boon in that it lacks the HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS ONE GUY RIGHT HERE factor that could have completely derailed it. The unknown cast does a fine job, and did I mention that there are Vikings?

#8 - The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

I've always had a soft spot for old horror flicks. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I saw House of Frankenstein and I've been in love since.

House, however, is probably the worst of the Universal Frankenstein series. The 1931 original is good, but it's the sequel that stands out.

When watching these old black-and-white horror movies, you sort of have to switch into a different mode. Appreciating films from this era isn't the same as films from today. Things were different, obviously.
Bride is one that takes less mode-switching than most.

It isn't devoid of the common cheeseball stuff that plagues this era--characters regularly deliver soliloquys to the sky instead of speaking to the person standing next to them, for example--but the faults are far outweighed by the audience's ability to identify with Karloff's creature.

I always root for the monsters in horror movies, and for once the script agrees with me.


Stay tuned for the rest of the list...