Things That Make Me Happy Vol I: Vince Wilfork Is Fat

Sometimes, when we're having a bad day (which is just about every day for some of us) we need to take time out to look on the lighter side of life--or in some cases, the not-so-light side of life.

Few things in this world tickle my funny bone more than how freaking fat Vince Wilfork is.

 

Look at him. Jesus Christ, what a monster.

 

 Here are some little-known facts about Vince Wilfork:

1. Many people believe the African elephant is the world's largest land animal. This is not true. Vince Wilfork is the world's largest land animal.

2. Vince Wilfork once challenged Satan and God to an eating contest. Vince ate God and Satan forfeited.

3. Saturn has 12 rings and 62 moons. Vince Wilfork has 2 Super Bowl rings and 57 moons.

4. Vince Wilfork's gravity causes the tide to come in every time he goes to the beach.
5. Vince Wilfork can order dessert in 29 different languages.
6. Vince Wilfork's mass is so enormous he performs fusion at his core.
7. Vince Wilfork once ate Turkey for dinner. The country, not the food.
8. In high school, Vince Wilfork was voted "Most likely to collapse into a neutron star."
9. February used to have 31 days until Vince Wilfork ate three of them.
10. Vince Wilfork's blood type is "chocolate."
11. Vince Wilfork has said he enjoys yoga in his spare time. "Yoga" is how he pronounces "yogurt."
12. Vince Wilfork's doctor once told him he needed to lose a few pounds. The only time Vince has lost a few pounds was at a poker game in England.
13. Vince Wilfork has never been bitten by a mosquito; any that approach burn up in his atmosphere.
14. Vince Wilfork once did a set of jumping jacks. There were no survivors.
15. Vince Wilfork has a tattoo of his home state of Florida on his back. It is actual size.
16. Vince Wilfork is the fattest thing ever.

Look upon my fat, ye mighty, and despair.

Cook This Food: Paleo Mushroom Bowls

I've been following the Paleo Diet of late (it's going well, thanks for asking). This means that most of
my meals--especially when I'm pressed for time--have been consisting of a piece of meat and a pile of veggies.

While a piece of meat and a pile of veggies is by no means an unsatisfactory meal, one of the downsides of going Paleo is that I miss eating things that feel like an actual recipe. A full meal, not just a few things (delicious as they may be) chucked onto a plate.

Bearing that in mind, I feel it's my duty to share with the rest of the world any good recipes I come up with. I've been struggling to find something that my daughter and I can both enjoy (neither Paleo Spaghetti nor Paleo Pancakes met with her approval) and this was the first major success I've had.

I feel it's worth mentioning that you don't have to be doing the Paleo thing to enjoy this. You can adjust the toppings as you see fit; I intend to do so in future iterations. I imagine some cheese would go well on it. However, I would caution you not to skip the bacon. There are plenty of good things in here (who doesn't like mushrooms?) but the bacon is what really put it over the top.

If you're vegetarian or vegan, I'm sorry. Go back to bench pressing broomsticks and crying through FernGully. This isn't for you.

Everyone else, grab some big-ass mushrooms and some animal carcasses and let's get cooking!

PALEO MUSHROOM BOWLS

Ingredients:

4 portabella caps 5" - 6" in diameter

1/2 lb. ground beef

1 can tomato sauce

1/2 tomato, diced

1/8 onion, diced or sliced

1 small yellow squash, diced

2 strips bacon

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350.

In an iron skillet, brown the ground beef. Drain and rinse grease from beef if desired. Set aside.

In same skillet, cook bacon to desired crispiness (it's not going to get any crispier while baking). Retain grease, set bacon aside.

Return beef to pan with bacon grease, season as desired. I did a sort of taco seasoning with 1/4 cup water and approximately 1/4 tsp. each cayenne pepper, chili powder, onion powder, and a pinch of garlic.

Rinse mushroom caps and place them top-down (so as to form a bowl) on a greased/sprayed baking sheet (use foil if desired; it's gonna get messy).

Place beef, bacon (crumbled), tomato, onion, and squash in mushroom caps (in that order).

Pour tomato sauce over ingredients in mushroom caps.

Bake at 350 for approximately 15 min.

Serves approximately two humans.