What if everyone's name gave a hint as to how they'd die?

Rip Torn: 
Fell into a wood chipper

Freddie Mercury:
Ate too much tuna, died of mercury poisoning

Betty White:
Froze to death in a blizzard

Christopher Walken:
Hit by a bus while crossing the street

Bob Dole:
Choked on a banana
 
Courtney Cox:
Umm... you don't want to know.

John Cougar Mellencamp:
Mauled to death by a puma while attending a week-long conference on how to farm cantaloupes.

Your "Emotional Support Animal" Doesn't Belong On a Plane

It has recently come to my attention that people experiencing anxiety or other mental illnesses are often allowed to bring "emotional support animals" on planes. These aren't just your classic "blind person dog," even freaking ponies can be found in this role.

Lest the ridiculousness of this pass you by:
THERE ARE PEOPLE BRINGING PONIES ON PLANES TO MAKE THEM NOT FEEL SAD.

Now I'm not usually one to offend the mentally ill as they're the only ones who like me but if you can't fly without bringing some critter to snuggle, maybe flying isn't for you.

Consider this: dancing seems like fun for most folks, but for me it's stressful and makes me self-conscious and anxious. Despite this, you don't see me dragging my goddamn emotional support wombat along to weddings. I just don't freaking dance. Some people just aren't meant to do some things.

I shudder to think where this could lead.
College is rough and finals have you stressed? Move a few desks over; this is a job for Stompy McGee the emotional support elephant.
Had a bad day at work? Looks like my emotional support ostrich Dr. Peckingston will be joining us in the office tomorrow. Hope everyone's OK with that. Oh, and keep your hands away from his mouth; he's been sorta bitey of late.

It's not just ridiculous, it's inconsiderate. I don't want to be on a flight with something that poops [yes, I know humans poop too; I stand by my statement] and the airlines shouldn't have to deal with a cabin full of terrorized passengers because therapy, drugs, and good ol' willpower weren't enough to get you through a flight--you had to haul along Elizardbeth Taylor the emotional support Komodo dragon.

If flying stresses you out, just do what everyone else will be doing--getting horribly, horribly drunk.


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Disclaimer: This probably isn't as big a problem as I'm making it out to be, but the fact that it exists at all is simultaneously infuriating, hilarious, and sad.