USPS:
Package arrives in perfect condition (three days after
it was supposed to), but you have to go to the post office to pick it up
because you were so inconsiderate as to be at work at 2pm like 90% of humans on
this planet.
UPS:
Package arrives on your porch exactly on time, but has
clearly been trampled by rhinos.
FedEx:
“Package? What package? You ordered something?” It
arrives on your porch six weeks later having been (from the look of it) fired out of a cannon into your house’s brick façade.
Amazon:
The driver speeds down your street at 100mph,
crushing without hesitation any pedestrians foolish enough to find themselves
in his path. Brakes squeal and tires screech as his van screams to a halt in
front of your house. The transmission groans angrily as he throws it in park
before the van has stopped moving. He sprints to within 20 feet of your house
and chucks the package toward your porch, taking a photo of it hurtling through
the air. He is gone before you can even receive said photo from the app
notifying you the package has arrived.
