The Four Horsemen of Package Delivery

USPS:  

Package arrives in perfect condition (three days after it was supposed to), but you have to go to the post office to pick it up because you were so inconsiderate as to be at work at 2pm like 90% of humans on this planet.

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UPS: 

 Package arrives on your porch exactly on time, but has clearly been trampled by rhinos.

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FedEx: 

“Package? What package? You ordered something?” It arrives on your porch six weeks later having been (from the look of it) fired out of a cannon into your house’s brick façade.

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Amazon:  

The driver speeds down your street at 100mph, crushing without hesitation any pedestrians foolish enough to find themselves in his path. Brakes squeal and tires screech as his van screams to a halt in front of your house. The transmission groans angrily as he throws it in park before the van has stopped moving. He sprints to within 20 feet of your house and chucks the package toward your porch, taking a photo of it hurtling through the air. He is gone before you can even receive said photo from the app notifying you the package has arrived.

The 2019 JakeIsAlwaysRight Movie Awards

2019 was a great year for movies, I guess. From movies that we actually gave a shit about (Joker) to stuff that no one seems to be able to shut up about (Avengers) to Disney's attempts to cash in on nostalgia (The Lion King again, Aladdin again, Dumbo again, Jesus fucking Christ) to the more serious entries, there were plenty of contenders for this year's awards. 
Our experts spent hours debating over the minutiae of what constituted a good film, what kind of role was more deserving of an award, and countless other criteria to bring you what we believe is indisputably the most prestigious award list of the year.

We've elected to give the nominees a miss and go straight into the awards because that's more fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your 2019 JakeIsAlwaysRight Movie Award Winners!

Best Special Effects 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

No surprise that a movie about giant monsters smashing cities would get a special effects award. We particularly enjoyed the parts where they made it look like entire cities were getting smashed to bits when in fact there were no cities smashed to bits during the making of the film.

Best Actor

Godzilla -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Criticized in the past for his attempts to venture into more comedic roles, Godzilla revisited his more serious side in this film, bringing back shades of 1954's Godzilla and 1955's Godzilla Raids Again, in which he portrayed a city-stomping menace rather than a kung fu dork in a dinosaur suit. Though he risks being typecast as a giant monster in future films, we're excited to see what the future brings for this scaly leading lad. A true return to form for an underrated actor.

Best Actress 

Mothra -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Best known for her previous role of Mothra in Mothra as well as Mothra vs. Godzilla and other classics, she took on the role of Godzilla's love interest in this film as Mothra. Though we must admit (without spoiling the film for you) that a return for the character is unlikely in future films, we've heard spicy rumors of a love triangle involving a giant lamp. Fingers crossed!

Best Supporting Actor

Ghidorah's Left Head (not our left, his left... wait, no, stage left. HIS stage left, not ours. I think... Shit, did I screw this up? Just roll with it.) -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

That one.. No.. the other one...

We're sure most of you expected this to go to the Right Head and some even put forth a case for the Middle Head to take the award for being a convincing straight man to Righty's humorous portrayal, but we've got to go with Lefty on this one. In our eyes, it's no contest.

Best Supporting Actress

That one lady with the kid who tries to stop the bad guy or whatever -- Godzilla: King of the Monsters

You know, that lady who has her kid with her and stuff and the dude from Game of Thrones makes her let Ghidorah out and then she's like "Oh no what have I done" and whatnot? Yeah, I guess she wins. Can't really think of anyone who deserves it, to be honest. 

Best Picture

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

We polled audiences and critics alike and the results backed up our pick unanimously. 
This film had everything. 
From Godzilla to monsters to stuff getting smashed to bits, it covered the full spectrum of human emotions (and monster emotions). The only criticism we can offer is that it might have been nice for a few more humans to be stomped to death, but they've got to save something for the sequel, right?



Thanks for reading; we're looking forward to next year's awards ceremony where we give every award to Godzilla vs. Kong.

The Mystery of the Fat Guy in Toe Shoes

I recently saw a fat guy wearing toe shoes. He had bad teeth.

If you're assuming this is just going to be a judgemental rant about how awful this poor fellow looked, you're not only wrong but I take umbrage at the fact that you'd think so little of me as to assume I'd spend my valuable [ok, not really] time slagging people off for no reason.

Anyway, this guy was wearing those Vibram shoes with individual toe compartments (see picture). He was fat and he had bad teeth. "Why is this a mystery?" you might ask, to which I would respond that the answer to that question is the entire point here and you really should have figured that out by now. I expect better from you.

The argument I've heard in favor of wearing these shoes is something along the lines of:
 "Cavemen never wore shoes. Humans only started wearing shoes in recent times and in an evolutionary sense we don't actually have a need for arch support or raised heels; we only have them because we're accustomed to them. The 'toe box' design of shoes defeats the purpose of having toes in the first place and while we--the wearers of these shoes--grant that some protection from sharp ground hazards is nice, it is inherently healthier to wear the minimum amount of footwear."

Basically it's the Paleo Diet except stupid and for your feet.

The mystery then reveals itself in the paradoxical fact that this person is wearing these shoes "because they're healthier" while ignoring their dental health and their unchecked horizontal expansion.

Since the mystery of this rests upon the fact that "because they're healthier" is the only possible reason to wear these abominations, let's run through the other possibilities.

Maybe they're really comfortable. 

Right, fair enough. I've never worn them. 
Fat people really like comfortable stuff, so if they are in fact supremely comfy it all makes sense and destroys the entire purpose of writing this. So to avoid futility (and because they sure as hell don't look comfortable), on we go assuming they're not.

But what if he was just wearing them because they're cheap?

They're not. A cursory glance on the interwebs shows them going for around $60. You can get Grandpa Shoes from Wal-Mart for like $10 and they're plenty comfy until they inevitably fall apart.

Maybe it's a fashion statement.

They're fucking hideous. Second only to Crocs in ugliness.

You are correct. This is a most baffling mystery and I thank you for bringing it to my attention.

You're welcome.

Popeyes Peanut Butter Banana Pie -- A Review

Remember when you were a kid and you'd get that big pack of popsicles with all the different

Lies! Deception!

flavors? Remember how they were all great except for the banana ones? Do you furthermore remember how there would therefore be one banana popsicle left in the package and it became a standoff between you and your sister as to who would eat it because you were only allowed one per day and Mom wouldn't let you open the next box until the first was empty so you knew if you ate that nasty-ass banana popsicle your sister would get a good one and you wouldn't get another until tomorrow?

If you answered "no," perhaps you haven't retained the irrational hatred for artificial banana flavor into your adulthood that I have.

I'd been eating like an anorexic chipmunk for three weeks to get a little less squishy and hadn't cheated once. It was my first day back into "eat whatever I want" mode, so there I sat in the interminably long Popeyes drive-thru line to try their new chicken sandwich (WHICH THEY WERE OUT OF, GODS CURSE THEM) and "peanut butter banana pie" sounded pretty good. 

I'm not much of a dessert guy usually--especially from a fast food joint--but figured what the hell. It sounded good and the picture of actual bananas must have clouded my usually impeccable food judgement.

Long-forgotten images of banana popsicles flashed before my eyes as I took the first bite. My popsicle PTSD had been activated. Damn you, artificial banana flavoring! You are an affront to the good name of bananas everywhere! Unlike artificial watermelon flavoring (which tastes better than the fruit itself) you embarrass your namesake and taste of disappointment, plastic, and evil.

Long story short, this pie was a good idea in theory but poor in execution. All they had to do was use actual bananas instead of fake banana flavor and it would have been great. 

Fake peanut butter? Sure. Tastes fine.
Fake banana? Garbage.

Rating: 1.5

Rating system:

1 (Poor) - Holy shit, don't eat this.

2 (Mediocre) - Grievances are likely significant. Avoid in most cases.

3 (Average) - Take it or leave it and probably forget it.

4 (Good) - Has definite appeal.

5 (Great) - Any time not spent eating this will be spent thinking up excuses to eat it.

What if everyone's name gave a hint as to how they'd die?

Rip Torn: 
Fell into a wood chipper

Freddie Mercury:
Ate too much tuna, died of mercury poisoning

Betty White:
Froze to death in a blizzard

Christopher Walken:
Hit by a bus while crossing the street

Bob Dole:
Choked on a banana
 
Courtney Cox:
Umm... you don't want to know.

John Cougar Mellencamp:
Mauled to death by a puma while attending a week-long conference on how to farm cantaloupes.

Your "Emotional Support Animal" Doesn't Belong On a Plane

It has recently come to my attention that people experiencing anxiety or other mental illnesses are often allowed to bring "emotional support animals" on planes. These aren't just your classic "blind person dog," even freaking ponies can be found in this role.

Lest the ridiculousness of this pass you by:
THERE ARE PEOPLE BRINGING PONIES ON PLANES TO MAKE THEM NOT FEEL SAD.

Now I'm not usually one to offend the mentally ill as they're the only ones who like me but if you can't fly without bringing some critter to snuggle, maybe flying isn't for you.

Consider this: dancing seems like fun for most folks, but for me it's stressful and makes me self-conscious and anxious. Despite this, you don't see me dragging my goddamn emotional support wombat along to weddings. I just don't freaking dance. Some people just aren't meant to do some things.

I shudder to think where this could lead.
College is rough and finals have you stressed? Move a few desks over; this is a job for Stompy McGee the emotional support elephant.
Had a bad day at work? Looks like my emotional support ostrich Dr. Peckingston will be joining us in the office tomorrow. Hope everyone's OK with that. Oh, and keep your hands away from his mouth; he's been sorta bitey of late.

It's not just ridiculous, it's inconsiderate. I don't want to be on a flight with something that poops [yes, I know humans poop too; I stand by my statement] and the airlines shouldn't have to deal with a cabin full of terrorized passengers because therapy, drugs, and good ol' willpower weren't enough to get you through a flight--you had to haul along Elizardbeth Taylor the emotional support Komodo dragon.

If flying stresses you out, just do what everyone else will be doing--getting horribly, horribly drunk.


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Disclaimer: This probably isn't as big a problem as I'm making it out to be, but the fact that it exists at all is simultaneously infuriating, hilarious, and sad.

You're All Awful (Vol. I)

These are NOUNS: 
Walkout, hangout, workout, hangup, setup, startup, kickoff [et cetera].

These are VERBS + ADVERBS:
Walk out, hang out, work out, hang up, set up, start up, kick off [et cetera].

"Breath" is a NOUN and rhymes with "death."

"Breathe" is a VERB and rhymes with Mike Tyson saying "freeze."

These things are not interchangeable. They aren't examples of "either one is fine" or "they both work."

This is some basic elementary school shit and you're awful for screwing it up.

Have a nice day, jerks.