How to Behave at the Gym

"My prostate hurts, bro."

If you're anything like most Americans, your fingers are covered in Cheetos dust, you have a mouthful of Mountain Dew, and you can't see your toes much less touch them.

However, sometimes people decide to stop being fat and go to the gym. The problem is that they're intimidated (or "gymtimidated" if you're obnoxious).

I'm here today to teach you how to behave at the gym in such a way as to make your presence there pleasant for yourself and the other patrons.

You can find thousands of these articles on the Internet but this one will be simpler, more concise, and just plain better. Don't even bother reading the other ones.

How to compliment your fellow gym-goers:

There will be some fine physical specimens around you, and you might feel the need to compliment them on their fitness. Here's how:

If they're male:
Don't just say "Wow, you've got some big muscles."
If you're female and you say that, you have just given him permission to have sex with you.
If you're male and you say that...
Well...
You have just given him permission to have sex with you.
Instead, praise his musculature more subtly by saying something like: "I say, my good man! You look as though you could hoist some very sizable objects indeed!"
You are now gym buddies, or "bros." From this point on, you will refer to your new buddy as "bro." This not only helps affirm your newfound friendship but saves you the trouble of having to actually learn his name.

If they're female:
Don't do it. Women do not want to be complimented.
Complimenting women on their looks is what we in America call "sexual harassment." It is widely frowned upon and will land you in very uncomfortable situations like a courthouse or prison.
Instead, say to them: "Good day, madam! Have you seen Magic Mike XXL? Jolly good picture, that one!"
They will then invite you to accompany them to a department store as they purchase shoes and underpants for six hours.
You will spend the next year pretending to be their "gay friend" until you finally reveal that it was all a ruse to get closer to them so that they would date you.
Having revealed your true feelings, they'll finally get what every woman wants--a restraining order against you.
On second thought, maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Just call her "bro" as well. She won't mind.

How to request usage of gym equipment:

If someone is using equipment that you need for your workout, it's best to approach them as politely as possible. Say to them: "Hey bro, how many more sets you got on there, bro?"
Even if they have just started using it, they are obligated to tell you that they have but one more set to complete, after which you may use the equipment.
It's appropriate to thank them by saying: "Cool, bro. Thanks, bro."

How to give someone a "spot":

You may at some point be requested to "spot" someone, especially if they are doing bench presses.
To "spot" them, hold onto the bar as they lower it. As they begin to lift, pull upward and--as discretely as possible--lift the goddamned weight for them because they've clearly got more on there than they have any business trying to lift.
Afterward, congratulate them on their excellent lifting and proclaim loudly that you did not help them at all. Nearby gym-goers will marvel at your new friend's superhuman strength.
If pressed, admit that you did help him a little on the last rep, but only a little.

How to make conversation:

At the gym, it is best to keep conversations minimal and avoid disagreements by saying things that are likely to elicit agreement from other patrons.

For males:
Say something like: "Egad, bro! I do believe that I shall consume many protein shakes following my workout so as to maximize the expansion of my musculature!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "A smashing idea!"

For females:
Say: "Egad, girl-bro! I like, literally believe that feasting upon chocolate cakes would be preferable to the activity in which we are currently engaged!"
"Indeed," she will respond. "Like totes! Literally!" 

What to wear:

It is important to choose your gym attire carefully.

For males:
Your trousers should be large and long enough to cover your socks even when you sit down. One's socks are unclean and should be hidden from sight at all times when in polite society.
Your shirt should be so massive and sleeveless that it hangs limply from your chest, exposing your impressive upper body to the other gym patrons.
Alternatively, you may elect to wear a shirt so small that it appears that the slightest movement might cause your massive biceps to tear through it like the Incredible Hulk.

For females:
Many women's clothing manufacturers make clothes specifically intended to be worn to the gym. 
Be sure to wear the most expensive custom-tailored gym clothes available to you, preferably adorned with motivational statements such as "I don't sweat, I sparkle" and "I am at the gym right now."
You may then remark to your girl-bros: "OMG, aren't they like, literally SO CUTE?!"
"Indeed," they will respond. "I find that I am literally unable to even."

How to get dates:

Occasionally you may find someone who you feel would make an ideal romantic partner. Here's what to do:

For females:
Say anything at all to him.
He will immediately assume that you wish to have intercourse with him, and will promptly voice his acceptance or (rarely) his rejection of your proposition.

For males:
As previously mentioned, anything construed as flirting will result in immediate rebuke or a sexual harassment case.
Women prefer to find their sexual partners at their place of employment. Find out where she works, and get hired there.
You now are "work-bros," which grants you the privilege of speaking to her at the gym without her lawyer intervening. From there, you may attempt to gain entrance to her lady parts.


Thank you for reading. I hope this guide is helpful to you in your quest for physical fitness.
Happy gymming!

Cholesterol Decriminalized (or "Jake &!@#ing told you so")

"You shouldn't eat so many eggs. They have...
[dramatic music plays]
CHOLESTEROL!!!!!"















I've heard this so many times I'm on the brink of an aneurysm.

Many years ago (probably around the time Ronald Reagan declared ice cream a "nutritious and wholesome food"), based upon God-knows-what, the nutrition gods proclaimed that cholesterol was bad. Eating cholesterol-rich foods would lead to high levels of cholesterol in one's body, and we needed to eat lots of "heart-healthy grains" to flush it all out.
That's right folks, ram entire loaves of bread (NOT meat, for the love of God) into your ingestion chambers and you'll be healthy as a horse.
Personally, I'd rather eat the horse.

Funny story though--it seems that this was all bullshit. Funnier still, I've been telling people this for some time now.

Me being right about stuff... Who would have thought?

But why should we believe you?

Because I'm always right! But if that's not good enough for you then maybe because the American Heart Association says so.
The AHA has announced that "cholesterol is not considered a nutrient of concern for overconsumption."
In simpler terms: don't worry about how much cholesterol you're eating.

So what does this mean for us?

For starters it means I'll eat as many eggs as I damn well please (not that I wouldn't have anyway).
Secondly, maybe you should change your eating habits. The document also advises against overconsumption of sugars and refined grains, which are pretty much the backbone of the modern American diet.

It also means that maybe we should question the "common sense" beliefs we hold about nutrition and diet. Until recently, the "fact" that cholesterol intake should be minimized at peril of cardiac explosion was one of those "everybody knows it" bits of information. If something so widely believed to be true turns out to be a load of moose droppings, what else could we be wrong about?

But wait--if the AHA was wrong for decades about cholesterol, how do I know they're right now?

You don't.
That's kind of the point, really. Didn't you read my last paragraph?
We tend to believe everything that's said to us or dumped onto our Facebook feeds without fact-checking it.

The science behind our dietary wives' tales is often pretty shoddy and occasionally non-existent altogether. I'd advise those who are interested in this sort of thing to read Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes, which delves much deeper into this subject.

OK, but why did you feel the need to write a whole post on this?

Firstly, because despite the AHA changing their tune a while ago, people still try to argue that cholesterol is the devil without any reason whatsoever other than "Everyone knows that. It's common sense."
Secondly, because I think our species needs to back off the grain consumption and perhaps if people know that one of the "bad things" found in meat and eggs is actually benign, maybe they'll reconsider their habits.
Thirdly, and most importantly:

BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT.

AGAIN.

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

A Summary of Game of Thrones (by someone who's never seen it)

"My name is ridiculous and it makes me sad."

Well, I'm a little late to the party, but I've decided to start watching Game of Thrones.
Everyone's always talking about it and if it's half as good as it's made out to be it must be great, right?

The problem is, I'm not sure I even need to bother watching it.

From all the constant yammering about it, I think I've already got a pretty good handle on what happens.

Here's my summary of the show--before I've seen a single episode--based solely upon hearing people talk about it or hearing it referenced on comedy sites. After I've watched it I'll follow up on this to see if I was right.

There's a chick who has dragons.

That's her at the top of the page. I'm not going to bother with her name because clearly George R. R. Martin's cat walked across his keyboard and he said, "Yeah, that's what I'll call her." (Side note: saying "George R. R. Martin" makes you sound like a pirate with a speech impediment.)
The dragons are her babies, though whether that's literal or she's just one of those spoiled rich chicks who carries her pets around in a purse remains to be seen.
I think she's the queen or empress or at least the mayor.

Everyone hates the prince.

"I'm an asshole."

Not just the characters. People who watch the show seem to wish this Harry Potter-looking sonofabitch would just stop existing. He's the Elmo of Game of Thrones; no one likes him but they keep throwing him onto the screen.
It's OK though because he dies eventually. This makes everyone very happy.
Either his name is Joffrey or it's Jeffrey and everyone I know talks like a moron.

SEX.

Either it's everyone's favorite part of the show or it's just going on nonstop.
Based on how often I hear about who was naked in the last episode, everyone is constantly getting it on. I'm told that there's violence too but I don't know how they find time for it amid everyone's constant screwing. I'm not going to have to watch that Danarius Turntable chick get knocked up by a dragon, am I?

The Red Wedding

This is a big deal. I heard about this one for days. There's a wedding and a bunch of people get killed, like that kid up there that no one likes. The whole thing's a big mess. Pretty horrible stuff.
Presumably it's called the Red Wedding because of killing and blood, but I'm not ruling out Communism just yet.

Everyone dies.

Don't become attached to any of the characters, because they all die. Some of them more than once. John Snow dies (not that I know who the hell he is) or maybe he's supposed to die next season.

There's a midget.

I think he's the one on the right maybe?

I don't know about you, but midgets kind of creep me out. Not looking forward to this part. He's important too because by season whatever-the-hell-number they're on now, he's still alive. Might have to fast forward through his scenes.










Well, here we go... This better be good.



Images stolen from youtube.com, beforeitsnews.com, and buddytv.com.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 1 - 3)

It's time for the grand finale.

If you haven't read parts one and two, you'll want to do so now.

I mentioned in the first installment that this is a fairly malleable list. What is today number 8 could be 10 the next week, off the list entirely the week after that, and up to 5 the next.

These last three don't change. They haven't in quite some time. I love these movies like a walrus loves his mustache.

3. Casablanca (1942)

Just as Bride of Frankenstein epitomized the atmosphere of the early 20th century horror film, Casablanca does likewise for whatever genre you care to chuck it in. Everyone's dressed up and drinking Scotch and smoking. This is what (in the mind of someone who never actually saw it) this time period should look like.

To go with the atmosphere, you've got Humphrey Bogart at his best. He won an Oscar for The African Queen (which I couldn't even force myself to watch all of), but this film and The Maltese Falcon are where he excels.
Bogart was best when playing someone bitter, cynical, and miserable. In movies like Sabrina where he's relatively happy sometimes, he's mediocre.

Casablanca shares another similarity with Bride of Frankenstein in that it's not as cheesy as its contemporaries and can be watched by modern audiences with less of a forced shift in mindset. The overacting that plagued this era of film is mostly absent, the humor is pleasantly subtle or at least not heavy-handed, and the plot isn't laden with contrivances.

This film nears perfection and should be at or near the top of everyone's list. The only thing stopping it from being the best movie ever is, of course, the presence of two other greats such as...

2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

If you haven't seen this movie, you've heard of it.
If you haven't heard of this movie, you've heard it quoted.
If you haven't heard it quoted, I'd love to know how you got Internet access in that cave in which you've been living for 50 years.

It's always bugged me how comedies have to stop, sit everyone down, and have a serious moment.
The guy and girl have to get in a fight and be sad.
Someone has to die.
The baseball team has to lose the big game.
There's always that one mopey, emotional blah moment in the middle that drags on and on while you leave the room to get more popcorn.

This movie doesn't have that.

It's the first movie I recall seeing that was absolutely hilarious from start to finish. The most serious part is the intermission (which, of course, isn't serious at all).

Due to its Britishness you may need to watch it a few times to catch all of the jokes but it is without a doubt the funniest movie ever. EVER.

Watching it for the first time is a life event. An experience. I quite literally could not believe what I was seeing. It's ridiculous. It's silly. It's absurd. It's insane.

Some people may not care for the British style of humour (with added 'u' for British effect), but there's enough slapstick and silliness that absolutely every human being on this earth should love--not like--love this movie.

If you've watched it twice (just to make sure you're getting it) and you still don't like it, follow these steps:

1) Obtain a half gallon of bleach and a half gallon of ammonia-based cleaning liquid.
2) Pour one into the other.
3) Drink the mixture.
4) Sit and die quietly because you're clearly awful and have nothing but misery to contribute to the world.

AND NOW... THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...

1. Fight Club (1999)

Let's say you're standing on the sidewalk waiting for a bus or something when the most attractive woman or man (whatever you're into) you've ever seen hops out of a taxi, walks up to you, kisses you full on the lips, squeezes your bum, hops back into the cab, and speeds off.

You don't know what the hell just happened, but you know you liked it.

That's what it's like to watch Fight Club for the first time.

Seeing it a second time is like the girl coming back, informing you that she's a deaf-mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store, and asking if you'd like to come live with her in her mansion in Hawaii.

Where Monty Python is constant hilarity of the silly, goofy variety, Fight Club is black humor at its best.

Chuck Pahlaniuk (the author of the book on which the movie is based) is known for this sort of humor in his writing--the kind of humor where you don't know if it's hilarious or tragic. It's a bleak, depressing sort of humor that segues back and forth into seriousness, perfectly capturing the feeling of everything being so miserable that one can't help but laugh. This comes through perfectly in Edward Norton's deadpan narration and Brad Pitt's calmly nihilistic speeches.

Speaking of which, the casting in this movie was spot on. It is now impossible for me to see Pitt or Norton in anything else because they played their roles so perfectly. They're forever marked as Fight Club characters. Helena Bonham Carter's trademark gothy-disheveled look is a great match for the character of Marla as well.

There is one scene where two bit-part actors' parts are poorly played, but apart from that and my slight dissatisfaction with the ending, there isn't a minute of this movie I don't love.

The Dust Brothers' soundtrack is also (for lack of a better adjective) perfect, as is its use. The hyperactive techno music starts and stops abruptly, giving the movie a feeling of disjointed pacing that illustrates the narrator's disorientation and insomnia.

Many critics dismissed this as a testosterone trip fueled only by violence, but the fighting isn't even the important part. It's a movie about being fed up with following the herd and fitting the mold and living a life that's as cliche as those cliches I just used.

I get that this movie isn't for everyone. If you're easily shocked or offended--if you're really comfortable with your life--if you're OK with living exactly the way your parents planned out for you--if you can't stand the idea of people doing things that are socially unacceptable...

Maybe you won't like this film.

But then again, maybe those are all reasons that you really need to see it.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 4-7)

Today we continue my countdown of my top ten favorite movies.
Read the first installment of the series if you haven't already.

On to the countdown!

7. Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

This is starting to look like a "Top Ten Most Underrated Films" list. That won't continue the whole way, but for now... Where the Wild Things Are.

Because it was based on one of the most well-known children's books ever, people logically assumed that this was a children's movie. The marketing did little to contradict these assumptions.

It's not a children's movie.
It's a movie about children.

No movie I've ever seen captures the mind of a child like this one. Every scene past the first few could be straight out of a dream or the imagination of a kid. Weird things happen with no explanation. The characters behave in ways that seem ridiculous, but in exactly the way a child would expect them to. At times it's absolute unrestrained fun.

Most of the time though, it's bleak as hell.

This movie is bleak, spirit-crushing, and depressing in all the best possible ways.
It's a movie about a child on the cusp of no longer being a child, and he's realizing that. He's realizing that his actions have consequences. He's realizing that things rarely turn out the way we plan them (but maybe not as bad as we think).

Instead of simply being re-creations of the wild-eyed goofy critters in the book, the Wild Things are beautifully humanized. They have emotions, problems, opinions, physical pain, etc. Their facial expressions are especially well done. For a giant monster to be made as expressive as these were is amazing. Contrasted with their size and strength (illustrated by them smashing the shit out of pretty much everything), their sadness becomes even more powerful.

As kids we were all confused and unhappy at one point or another, and this movie makes me remember exactly how that felt.

6. The Dark Knight (2008)

I'd like to just put the whole Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy here but if I must narrow it down to one, this is the best of the lot.

Batman's always been my favorite superhero, so in the interest of full disclosure--I'm biased. Favorite movies, says the title.

These were the first superhero movies to be "realistic." I use that word very loosely as they're still preposterous (as is pretty much every single other movie ever made), but less so than most superhero movies. There are no aliens, no magic powers, no one turning themselves into electricity or stopping time.
Not only does this lessen the "Jesus Christ this is stupid" factor that dampens most comic book superhero films like a urine-soaked rag atop a bouquet of otherwise fragrant roses, it helps allow the human element to be showcased, which is what makes this series special.

Bruce Wayne has everything, but doesn't want it. He doesn't know what he wants, really. He pretty much hates his life.
He has a select few people and things worth living for and he has to fight for them--and sometimes deal with having them taken away.

Unlike most folks, I don't give Heath Ledger extra credit for dying after this movie. His performance is excellent, but not as super-duper-ohmygod-legendary as people decided it was because he died. The fact that he was unable to reprise the role actually helps in that the enigma of his character remains intact. We never do find out "how [he] got these scars."

No other comic book film comes close to having a human story that makes us care as much as this one. The Spider-Man movies make a commendable effort, but it doesn't really extend much further than Tobey Maguire or James Garfield whingeing about how their spider-hobby takes up time that could be better spent banging Kirsten Dunst/Emma Stone.

5. Gangs of New York (2002)

Daniel Day-Lewis is pretty much the best actor ever. He's one of the few actors where I'll watch any movie simply because they're in it.

There's really not much else to say about this one. It's just a damned good movie. Leonardo DiCaprio's character's inner conflicts are played out wonderfully; just when you think the movie isn't paying attention to itself you realize it's been brewing in his head for some time. Cameron Diaz (and to a lesser degree, her character) is unnecessary, but that's a minor complaint.

While you're at it, check out the bonus feature on the DVD about the real gangs from this time period that the movie was based upon. Pretty interesting stuff.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

Before we start here, there is--to quote Karl Pilkington--an elephant in the room.
It seems that no one can discuss this movie without bitching about Mickey Rooney's ridiculous and "offensive" portrayal of an Asian.
I'm only mentioning it here to emphasize that I'm not going to mention it.
It was acceptable then. It was a different time. No one's doing it now. Stop your goddamned whining. It's just a movie. Jesus.

Moving along...

I'm not sure why I like this movie so much. The humor is heavy-handed and goofy, and it's pretty much a chick flick.

There's probably some sentimental value attached to it because of who I first watched it with, but this is just a hard movie not to like. Audrey Hepburn's performance--in this film as in her others--brings an honesty and believability to her character. Suspension of disbelief is never a problem when watching her.

It's also one of those movies that is, quite simply, fun. It's enjoyable to watch even when it's not well-executed. In this regard, it's sort of the anti-Citizen Kane. If you turned this in at your film school you'd probably get a C, but your teacher would beg you to let him keep a copy.


Next time around it's the top three.

Jake's Top Ten Favorite Movies (numbers 8-10)

"I'm terrible"

You know, I didn't really like Citizen Kane.
It's widely considered to be the best movie ever, and if someone followed step-by-step instructions on how to make a good movie, Citizen Kane could be the result.

The problem is, it sucks.

It's boring. The dialog is cheesy. The acting is downright embarrassing at times.

In sixth grade science class, we had to make a diorama of a certain era of the Earth's existence. I was assigned the Precambrian era (No, I'm not going to tell you what that means; kato vittu Googlesta).

I made a total piece of junk.

While this wasn't the easiest time period to turn into a 3D model, I inexcusably half-assed it. However, when my teacher went down the list of what our diorama needed to have, I had every single item that was required.

I didn't just get an A, I got 100 freaking percent.

One of my other teachers pulled me aside later to ask me why the hell I made such a shitball. She knew I could do better, as did I.

We could go into the lessons learned from this but the important thing here is that Citizen Kane is that diorama. Every critic ever has given Orson Welles 100% on the assignment but sorry, Orson; your movie's junk. Rosebud indeed. Bleh.

In light of my obvious deviation from the norm when it comes to movie enjoyment and combined with the fact that I am (as you well know) always right, I've decided to share with you my top ten favorite movies. I didn't say best movies, mind you, as I realize some of these aren't "great" in the technical/film school/by-the-book sense.

These will be in reverse order because it's stupid and anticlimactic to start a top ten list with #1 (yet I still see people doing it...).

I suppose I should also mention that this list might be different if you ask me in a few years' time as everything but the top three move up and down and on and off the list as time passes.

I'll try to go easy on the spoilers, but you should probably just watch all of these first.

So, without further delay...

#10 - The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

This one could easily climb higher (err... lower? Closer to #1, I mean).

I've only just recently re-watched it and damn do I like this movie. I'll be honest and admit that the only reason I watched this was because I had watched the 1934 version and the only reason I had watched that version was because of V for Vendetta. Sue me.

I haven't read the book yet (stop throwing things; I'll read it someday I swear), so I can't compare the film to the book. I can, however, compare this to the 1934 version and I really like the changes they made for this one. For the sake of avoiding spoilers I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's more action, a more sensible plot progression, and more character development.

This movie makes me want to go have a sword fight.

#9 - The 13th Warrior (1999)

This movie single-handedly made me say "favorite" rather than "best" in the title.

The embarrassing miscasting of Antonio Banderas as an Arab as well as a few other film-school faux pas factors that I don't give a crap about led to this being considered "not good" by most critics.

Screw them. They know nothing.

This movie has Vikings for god's sake, but unlike most movies with Vikings it doesn't go out of its way to remind you of that fact. I don't recall ever hearing the word "Vikings," in fact. Characters don't shout "By Odin's beard!" every five seconds or mutter about Thor when it rains.

In addition to pleasing my inner Vikingophile, the film brings the source material (Michael Crichton's novel Eaters of the Dead) to life in a way the book couldn't. Though it was by no means a "long" book, it lacked intensity and would have been a better read as a short story or novella. The movie cuts the crap and gets down to business.

With the exception of Banderas, it's populated by relatively obscure actors. This sounds like a bad thing but ends up being a boon in that it lacks the HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS ONE GUY RIGHT HERE factor that could have completely derailed it. The unknown cast does a fine job, and did I mention that there are Vikings?

#8 - The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

I've always had a soft spot for old horror flicks. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I saw House of Frankenstein and I've been in love since.

House, however, is probably the worst of the Universal Frankenstein series. The 1931 original is good, but it's the sequel that stands out.

When watching these old black-and-white horror movies, you sort of have to switch into a different mode. Appreciating films from this era isn't the same as films from today. Things were different, obviously.
Bride is one that takes less mode-switching than most.

It isn't devoid of the common cheeseball stuff that plagues this era--characters regularly deliver soliloquys to the sky instead of speaking to the person standing next to them, for example--but the faults are far outweighed by the audience's ability to identify with Karloff's creature.

I always root for the monsters in horror movies, and for once the script agrees with me.


Stay tuned for the rest of the list...

Word of the Day: Gress

The English language is complicated.

Too complicated, some might say.

The good news is that I'm here to make it simpler. How? By adding words to it.

You might think that would make it more difficult, but this word is already contained within other English words; we just never use it in its basic form.

This new word is "gress."
It's a verb meaning to go, to move, to proceed, etc.

Here are a few English words based off of it that you've probably already incorporated into your vocabulary:

Progress -- to gress forward
Regress -- to gress again
Digress -- to gress in two directions
Ingress -- to gress inward
Egress -- to gress electronically
Gresshopper -- those little bugs who gress around in the backyard
Congress -- a gressing of convicts

I encourage you all to gress out into the world and help bring this word into common usage.
"Selfie" is the dictionary, for God's sake. We can make this happen.

My word processor has already stopped putting squiggly red lines under "gress."
Now that's what I call progress.