Cat Myths Debunked

The Internet has been lying to you.
Not like that's unusual or anything, but the Internet has been lying about one of its most prolific denizens.
After porn, cats are the most popular subject on the Internet, so it's no surprise to see a list of "facts" circling about lately that portray cats as cuddly, perfect little critters that love their humans to death. That may be true to some degree, but let's face it: cats are devious little sociopaths.
In honor of National Cat Day or whatever, I'm here to educate you.
The truth follows:

I brought you some lunch, moron.

Myth:

"Cats leave you dead animals as a gift because they love you so much."


Truth:
Well, sort of. The reality is that they think you're a dumbass. They've never seen you catch a bird, a mouse, or even a bug. The only logical conclusion they can draw is that you suck at hunting. They're trying to teach you how it's done. "Look, human. This is a mouse. You catch it and eat it. Idiot."

Myth:

Cats stick their arses in your face as a sign of love or respect or some such nonsense.

This is what I think of you.

Truth:

You're kidding, right? Engaging in involuntary amateur proctology isn't my idea of a good time. When dear Uncle Ned comes to the door for a visit, do you immediately drop your trousers and bellow "Look at my butthole!"?
I certainly hope not.
Your cat is mooning you. It thinks it's hilarious.

Myth:

Cats don't meow at other cats; they only do it to humans.

Truth:

If they thought that meowing at other cats would get their food dish filled, you can be damned sure they'd do it. Just as all dog barks mean "HEY!" all meows mean "feed me."

All day, every day.

Myth:

When cats look at you and close their eyes slowly it means they looooove you.

Truth:

The cat thinks you're boring. It's going to sleep.
Cats sleep for 23.9 hours per day. If you see a cat, it is--statistically speaking--probably asleep.

Get the dog off my mom or I'm strangling him.

Myth:

"Kneading" is something nursing kittens do to increase milk flow from their mothers, so if a cat does it to you it means the cat loves you and thinks you're its mother.

Truth:

I have a hard time believing that the cat stomping on my balls at 3am is a sign of affection rather than punishment for having him neutered. As to the "thinks you're its mother" thing--if that's true then my cat's retarded because he does it to the pillows on the couch as well.


Go forth and spread your newfound knowledge.



Images remorselessly stolen from punjabigraphics.com, vetstreet.com, viral-next.com, and dev.ibabuzz.com.